Dear Bitter Amanda,
Would you like to go get coffee sometime?
Sincerely,
-Bob
Dear Bobcat,
I've been mulling over your question for a few days. But here you have it:
Why yes, I would love to! I love getting coffee. I'll be heading to Dunkin' just as soon as I finish this letter! Thanks for the suggestion.
Oh wait, were you implying that you would also be getting coffee? (I'm not stupid, readers, I'm making a point. Wait for it and try to keep up.) I checked you out, boss, and unless you lie to the internet, we do not live in the same place. Hardly close enough to drink coffee in the same building. But you were sincere in your effort (you even stated that!) so I'm going to thank you for illustrating something I recently talked about.
In my last response, I pointed out that men often rely on an "easy-out" date invite. This is a perfect example of that. (Thanks Bob.) Imagine that this happened in person. There is no timeframe involved, so I'm not obligated to actually make plans with the asker! I could say yes, but then if I walk away and didn't really want to have coffee, I don't have to return his phone calls/IMs/facebook messages/you get my point. And then, well, it sucks to be Bob. Better luck next time.
He does earn some points for suggesting a specific activity, though. It is infinitely better than an offer to "hang out." Guys, seriously, this tells us nothing. You're trapping us--the only way we'll say yes to that is if we really like you and don't care when you wanted to hang out or what you wanted to do. In that situation, you are a lucky man. But if we're kind of "eh" about you...well, we need more information. What if you meant hang out like "go see the new Batman movie" and I can't stand comic book movies? See my point? We don't want to get roped into some lame activity. (For the record: Batman was just an example. I love Christian Bale.) Moral of the story: when dealing with asking someone out, man up. Don't be passive about it, boys.
And Bobcat, I realize that you may not have written this to help me compose a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of lazy dating and the modern man. If that's the case, and you were trying to be nice, then I'm sorry. I'm not really into, you know, people. It's not you, it's your Y chromosome. No hard feelings.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Dear Other...
Bitter Amanda,
Why is it that the last three people who've hit on me have:
-had a girlfriend,
-been married, and
-been engaged
What could I possible be doing thats attracting people already in relationships? Or do boys just hit on anything that may, on occasion, wear a skirt?
-Don't Want to be the "Other Woman"
Dear Other,
It's a widely discussed sentiment that men are cowardly and useless. Regarding asking women out, that is. (Ok, it's not just that area, but let's focus on one issue at a time.) They rely on a wingman and then throw out vague, easy-to-recover-from invites to "hang out." They have to be spoon-fed the idea that you're interested and in the end, we all but ask ourselves out! Delightful. Well done, guys.
So how come these guys are so open about their interest in you? It doesn't matter for them! If you say no, well, they just go home to their unsuspecting lady who can inevitably do better. Nothing lost! And if you say yes...SCORE. For them. (Not so much for you, since you're now a homewrecker, and definitely not for the girlfriend or wife. Because they've been fooled by this horrible manchild.)
So you're not doing anything wrong! It is, predictably, the fault of the Y chromosome here.
Such is life.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Why is it that the last three people who've hit on me have:
-had a girlfriend,
-been married, and
-been engaged
What could I possible be doing thats attracting people already in relationships? Or do boys just hit on anything that may, on occasion, wear a skirt?
-Don't Want to be the "Other Woman"
Dear Other,
It's a widely discussed sentiment that men are cowardly and useless. Regarding asking women out, that is. (Ok, it's not just that area, but let's focus on one issue at a time.) They rely on a wingman and then throw out vague, easy-to-recover-from invites to "hang out." They have to be spoon-fed the idea that you're interested and in the end, we all but ask ourselves out! Delightful. Well done, guys.
So how come these guys are so open about their interest in you? It doesn't matter for them! If you say no, well, they just go home to their unsuspecting lady who can inevitably do better. Nothing lost! And if you say yes...SCORE. For them. (Not so much for you, since you're now a homewrecker, and definitely not for the girlfriend or wife. Because they've been fooled by this horrible manchild.)
So you're not doing anything wrong! It is, predictably, the fault of the Y chromosome here.
Such is life.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Dear Sir...
I can't git marryed to my swethart cuz theres law ginst marryin yur sister. But I's don't see nothin wrung wit incest longs it stays in the family. Hows can we change the law so me and sis can tie the not? Iwnat to set a good example for our youngin's.
BillyBob
Dear Sir,
Yeahhhh.....I'm not sure you should be focused on changing laws. You would make a terrible politician and/or lawmaker. Those people possess many qualities that I'm not sure you've heard of, let alone share.
Clean up, get out of the trailer, and introduce yourself to the big world outside of your gene pool.
That's the only advice I'll be giving you, so I'd take it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
BillyBob
Dear Sir,
Yeahhhh.....I'm not sure you should be focused on changing laws. You would make a terrible politician and/or lawmaker. Those people possess many qualities that I'm not sure you've heard of, let alone share.
Clean up, get out of the trailer, and introduce yourself to the big world outside of your gene pool.
That's the only advice I'll be giving you, so I'd take it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Dear Duh...
Bitter Amanda,
I was at a retirement party for a well-respected coworker - lots of people were there. Including a cute young woman I'd seen around the office and I had assumed was either a new hire or a college student interning for the summer. We ended up exchanging numbers, and hooked up a few days later (and by hooked up I don't mean "grabbed a cup of coffee" but "had lots of really awesome sex after grabbing a cup of coffee.")
Turns out she was NOT a cute new hire. It was the vice president's 18-year old daughter who just graduated from high school. I don't know what to do! I was planning on a casual summer fling (before I found out who she was and that she's barely legal), but she's already started talking about marriage and babies and hinting about "our future" together. And its only been two weeks! I don't think Mr. Bossman currently knows his daughter's banging an employee, and I only see two possible outcomes to this:
-Break up with psycho-girl, break her heart, and have Daddy-dearest after my ass for hurting his youngest child and only daughter
-Stay with psycho-girl to prevent breaking her heart, get introduced to the parents, and then have Daddy-dearest furious that an employee is banging his precious baby.
Either way it looks like I'm screwed. Is there any way out of this mess without losing my job?
~Work Booty is Bad Booty, and Learned it the Hard Way
Dear Duh,
Really? Work booty is bad booty? You think?
You might not lose your job, but there is definitely no painless way out of this situation. Which, by the way, you put yourself in. You should probably start, you know, finding out who you're sleeping with in advance. Just a tip.
There's no good way out of it. I shouldn't be helping you, jackass, but I will. Tell her this: you don't want to get in trouble at work because of your relationship. If she gets all dreamy-eyed "no one can come between us" crazy, then tell her it's because you care too much about her and you don't want to risk losing her. (A lie, yes, but sometimes you need to tell a helping lie.) If you can string her along until the fall, she'll head off to college and hopefully find some nice frat boy to tell her lies instead.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I was at a retirement party for a well-respected coworker - lots of people were there. Including a cute young woman I'd seen around the office and I had assumed was either a new hire or a college student interning for the summer. We ended up exchanging numbers, and hooked up a few days later (and by hooked up I don't mean "grabbed a cup of coffee" but "had lots of really awesome sex after grabbing a cup of coffee.")
Turns out she was NOT a cute new hire. It was the vice president's 18-year old daughter who just graduated from high school. I don't know what to do! I was planning on a casual summer fling (before I found out who she was and that she's barely legal), but she's already started talking about marriage and babies and hinting about "our future" together. And its only been two weeks! I don't think Mr. Bossman currently knows his daughter's banging an employee, and I only see two possible outcomes to this:
-Break up with psycho-girl, break her heart, and have Daddy-dearest after my ass for hurting his youngest child and only daughter
-Stay with psycho-girl to prevent breaking her heart, get introduced to the parents, and then have Daddy-dearest furious that an employee is banging his precious baby.
Either way it looks like I'm screwed. Is there any way out of this mess without losing my job?
~Work Booty is Bad Booty, and Learned it the Hard Way
Dear Duh,
Really? Work booty is bad booty? You think?
You might not lose your job, but there is definitely no painless way out of this situation. Which, by the way, you put yourself in. You should probably start, you know, finding out who you're sleeping with in advance. Just a tip.
There's no good way out of it. I shouldn't be helping you, jackass, but I will. Tell her this: you don't want to get in trouble at work because of your relationship. If she gets all dreamy-eyed "no one can come between us" crazy, then tell her it's because you care too much about her and you don't want to risk losing her. (A lie, yes, but sometimes you need to tell a helping lie.) If you can string her along until the fall, she'll head off to college and hopefully find some nice frat boy to tell her lies instead.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Monday, July 28, 2008
Dear Bad Mommy...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
So I've been dealing with some health issues. And according to my doctor, the best treatment option is getting knocked up.
No, seriously. The first thing my doctor said to me was "pregnancy would clear this right up." And I do see certain benefits to this option: 1. lots of getting laid (the condition is also a leading cause of infertility... so lots and lots of sex would clearly need to be involved) 2. nine months without a period 3. i love food, and I'll be eating for two! 4. condition goes away.
The only problem I'm seeing so far is that pregnancy usually leads to infants. Which I'm not so ready for.
The problem is, my doctor doesn't seem to understand this. Everytime I go in, she's asking me about when I plan on popping one out. ACK! How does one convince their doctor they aren't ready to have an eating/crying/pooping machine come bursting out of their vagina?
~Not Ready for Parenthood
Dear Bad Mommy,
I don't have to do a google search to assure you that your assumption is correct. Pregnancy does usually lead to babies.
As for letting your doctor know that you're not exactly ready to buy a carseat and a Gymboree membership, I'd say you could use the last line of your letter. Anyone who describes the miracle of birth as, and I quote, "having an eating/crying/pooping machine come bursting out of their vagina" is clearly not ready to be a mother. No self-respecting medical professional would encourage parenthood to someone with that kind of attitude.
Just go get some and eat a lot of pie. You'll like that more.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
So I've been dealing with some health issues. And according to my doctor, the best treatment option is getting knocked up.
No, seriously. The first thing my doctor said to me was "pregnancy would clear this right up." And I do see certain benefits to this option: 1. lots of getting laid (the condition is also a leading cause of infertility... so lots and lots of sex would clearly need to be involved) 2. nine months without a period 3. i love food, and I'll be eating for two! 4. condition goes away.
The only problem I'm seeing so far is that pregnancy usually leads to infants. Which I'm not so ready for.
The problem is, my doctor doesn't seem to understand this. Everytime I go in, she's asking me about when I plan on popping one out. ACK! How does one convince their doctor they aren't ready to have an eating/crying/pooping machine come bursting out of their vagina?
~Not Ready for Parenthood
Dear Bad Mommy,
I don't have to do a google search to assure you that your assumption is correct. Pregnancy does usually lead to babies.
As for letting your doctor know that you're not exactly ready to buy a carseat and a Gymboree membership, I'd say you could use the last line of your letter. Anyone who describes the miracle of birth as, and I quote, "having an eating/crying/pooping machine come bursting out of their vagina" is clearly not ready to be a mother. No self-respecting medical professional would encourage parenthood to someone with that kind of attitude.
Just go get some and eat a lot of pie. You'll like that more.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Dear Julia Child...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
I've heard from numerous sources the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I decided to put this to the test and ask a certain good looking fella out to lunch. He said yes, we had a lovely time-- lively conversation, laughing, and an agreement to hang out again soon. Days go by with no call or invitation from this young man. Two weeks later, I summon the guts to once again invite the gentleman out for a meal. He accepts, and once again, we have an absolutely lovely time, and, once again, quite some time goes by with no contact. Tenacious gal I am, I propose another food oriented rendez-vous, which is, again, accepted, and again, a good time is had by all. There is no follow-up by the man in question. Disgruntled, at the end of the week I bake a batch of award winning brownies to assuage said disgruntlement. When I can no longer eat anymore, I call the lad, who agrees to take the brownies off my hands. I sip my tea as he polishes off my baked goods, and we discuss all topics great and small. And doesn't call me the next day.
Bitter Amanda, is this some bizarre shy-boy routine or is he just using me for food?
-Starved for Attention
Dear Julia Child,
Oh, open your eyes, woman! After a couple instances, I was still thinking that he needed to man up and grow some balls. But by the end of your email, my god! He doesn't need to man up! He's being PLENTY male in his behavior. You keep coming to him, sometimes with baked goods! He's playing games. A rational person would start reciprocating when it comes to hanging out with a new friend. But since he's a man, we clearly are not dealing with a rational being. He doesn't need to call you or show initiative! He's living the good life.
It says a couple things about him. You're not going to like this. First of all, he's not into you. If he IS, by some strange happenstance, then he sucks at life and does not deserve you or your homebaked goodies. (Or ANY of your goodies.) (You know what I mean.) Second of all, he's a total douchebag.
Now, it's not likely but there is a small possibility that I am wrong. Maybe he's just one of those really low maintenance friends, like my sister, who only needs contact every once in a great while? I call them Camel Friends. They don't think separation hurts a friendship, and therefore only get in touch when they realize it's been a long time. You can't be offended by those kind of friends. But you do need to test it out. Stop contacting him. If he DOES care, then after some time he'll call you.
But for heaven's sake, stop bringing him treats. You don't reward a dog when it shits on the carpet.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I've heard from numerous sources the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I decided to put this to the test and ask a certain good looking fella out to lunch. He said yes, we had a lovely time-- lively conversation, laughing, and an agreement to hang out again soon. Days go by with no call or invitation from this young man. Two weeks later, I summon the guts to once again invite the gentleman out for a meal. He accepts, and once again, we have an absolutely lovely time, and, once again, quite some time goes by with no contact. Tenacious gal I am, I propose another food oriented rendez-vous, which is, again, accepted, and again, a good time is had by all. There is no follow-up by the man in question. Disgruntled, at the end of the week I bake a batch of award winning brownies to assuage said disgruntlement. When I can no longer eat anymore, I call the lad, who agrees to take the brownies off my hands. I sip my tea as he polishes off my baked goods, and we discuss all topics great and small. And doesn't call me the next day.
Bitter Amanda, is this some bizarre shy-boy routine or is he just using me for food?
-Starved for Attention
Dear Julia Child,
Oh, open your eyes, woman! After a couple instances, I was still thinking that he needed to man up and grow some balls. But by the end of your email, my god! He doesn't need to man up! He's being PLENTY male in his behavior. You keep coming to him, sometimes with baked goods! He's playing games. A rational person would start reciprocating when it comes to hanging out with a new friend. But since he's a man, we clearly are not dealing with a rational being. He doesn't need to call you or show initiative! He's living the good life.
It says a couple things about him. You're not going to like this. First of all, he's not into you. If he IS, by some strange happenstance, then he sucks at life and does not deserve you or your homebaked goodies. (Or ANY of your goodies.) (You know what I mean.) Second of all, he's a total douchebag.
Now, it's not likely but there is a small possibility that I am wrong. Maybe he's just one of those really low maintenance friends, like my sister, who only needs contact every once in a great while? I call them Camel Friends. They don't think separation hurts a friendship, and therefore only get in touch when they realize it's been a long time. You can't be offended by those kind of friends. But you do need to test it out. Stop contacting him. If he DOES care, then after some time he'll call you.
But for heaven's sake, stop bringing him treats. You don't reward a dog when it shits on the carpet.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Abandonment.
Darling readers,
I regret to inform you that I'll be taking a three week hiatus from advising the lame, pathetic, and otherwise hopeless.
HA I so do not regret it. That was hard to type! I'm going to Italy for summer camp, kids, so write to Dear Abby if you're desperate while I'm gone!
Solitarily yours (but not until mid-July),
Bitter Amanda
I regret to inform you that I'll be taking a three week hiatus from advising the lame, pathetic, and otherwise hopeless.
HA I so do not regret it. That was hard to type! I'm going to Italy for summer camp, kids, so write to Dear Abby if you're desperate while I'm gone!
Solitarily yours (but not until mid-July),
Bitter Amanda
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Dear Clingy...
Bitter Amanda,
So, I emailed you not too long ago asking about greeting cards for STDs. I decided to do some research on my own.
The first web site that pops up for a google search of "gonorrhea greeting card" is titled FamilyFun... a Disney Family.com website. Twisted... but unfortunately the Disney website doesn't have any "sorry about that STD" cards I'm looking for.
~Still Itchy
Dear Clingy,
"Not too long ago"? Your emails came 34 minutes apart. Do you think I stare at my inbox all day, waiting for emails? Um, I have a life.
Get over the greeting cards.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
So, I emailed you not too long ago asking about greeting cards for STDs. I decided to do some research on my own.
The first web site that pops up for a google search of "gonorrhea greeting card" is titled FamilyFun... a Disney Family.com website. Twisted... but unfortunately the Disney website doesn't have any "sorry about that STD" cards I'm looking for.
~Still Itchy
Dear Clingy,
"Not too long ago"? Your emails came 34 minutes apart. Do you think I stare at my inbox all day, waiting for emails? Um, I have a life.
Get over the greeting cards.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Friday, June 13, 2008
Dear Herp...
Do they make greeting cards saying "Sorry I gave you an STD?"
~Itchy in CT
Dear Herp,
Um, gross. They don't. Know why? Because that's the kind of card nobody wants. Just stick to the obligatory "maybe you should get tested" phone call and be done with it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
~Itchy in CT
Dear Herp,
Um, gross. They don't. Know why? Because that's the kind of card nobody wants. Just stick to the obligatory "maybe you should get tested" phone call and be done with it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Dear Distressed...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
Guys keep asking for my advice. Not just on appearance or video games, but GIRLS! I'm pretty obviously straight AND a tomboy, so it's hard to see why I'd seem like such a beacon of wisdom. And to make things worse, men I'm attracted to are also asking me for advice on other females. How do I make them stop?!
Yours,
Damsel in Combat Boots
Dear Distressed,
Bastards. Their asking you is actually kind of a compliment, in terms of cloudy, ridiculous boy stuff. I know, it doesn't feel like one, but trust me. Two options for you, Doc Marten. You can start giving really shitty advice, which will absolutely make them stop coming to you for help. Practice this line: "Tell that bitch she's batshit-crazy." That ought to cover most of your bases, in terms of advice. (Oh no, giving away my secrets...)
If you're not into alienating yourself from all your friends, then perhaps you should go with Option Two. Be more forward about your interest in them--then use THIS advice for them: "Tell her to leave you alone and then ask me the hell out because buddy, I will not wait around forever for you to get a clue."
Just remember this if things go well: getting a new boy in your life is like getting a puppy. You have to train him and feed him and clean up after him. It can get pretty gross. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Guys keep asking for my advice. Not just on appearance or video games, but GIRLS! I'm pretty obviously straight AND a tomboy, so it's hard to see why I'd seem like such a beacon of wisdom. And to make things worse, men I'm attracted to are also asking me for advice on other females. How do I make them stop?!
Yours,
Damsel in Combat Boots
Dear Distressed,
Bastards. Their asking you is actually kind of a compliment, in terms of cloudy, ridiculous boy stuff. I know, it doesn't feel like one, but trust me. Two options for you, Doc Marten. You can start giving really shitty advice, which will absolutely make them stop coming to you for help. Practice this line: "Tell that bitch she's batshit-crazy." That ought to cover most of your bases, in terms of advice. (Oh no, giving away my secrets...)
If you're not into alienating yourself from all your friends, then perhaps you should go with Option Two. Be more forward about your interest in them--then use THIS advice for them: "Tell her to leave you alone and then ask me the hell out because buddy, I will not wait around forever for you to get a clue."
Just remember this if things go well: getting a new boy in your life is like getting a puppy. You have to train him and feed him and clean up after him. It can get pretty gross. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Dear Field of Dreams...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
My girlfriend keeps stealing my shoes. I bought these kickass plaid sneakers, and she thinks that just because she can get them on her feet and walk without tripping in them that she is entitled to them. But, Bitter Amanda, they are my kickass plaid sneakers. They go with my kickass plaid pants perfectly. And love them. I love them more than any other article of clothing I have including my lucky Red Sox baseball cap (which helped win not one, but two World Series' in the past 3 years). I love them more than chicken soup with rice. I love them more than- dare I say it- my iPhone. Yes, Bitter Amanda. I love my kickass plaid sneakers very, very much. And she keeps wearing them. How do I make her understand that my kickass plaid sneakers are not hers for the taking?
Shoeless Joe
Hannibal, MO
Dear Field of Dreams,
First of all, you should not be wearing plaid shoes with plaid pants. Period. Maybe she's doing you a favor because you're embarrassing her in public with your total lack of coordination. And because of that, she's probably a really good lady to have around. So help yourself out and do two things: go buy her a pair of plaid shoes in her size and then go buy some non-plaid shoes to wear with your plaid pants. Oh, third thing: chill the hell out.
And if I ever hear about you and your lady wearing your matching plaid shoes at the same time, I will make your life so miserable you'll wish you'd never written to me. Gag.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
My girlfriend keeps stealing my shoes. I bought these kickass plaid sneakers, and she thinks that just because she can get them on her feet and walk without tripping in them that she is entitled to them. But, Bitter Amanda, they are my kickass plaid sneakers. They go with my kickass plaid pants perfectly. And love them. I love them more than any other article of clothing I have including my lucky Red Sox baseball cap (which helped win not one, but two World Series' in the past 3 years). I love them more than chicken soup with rice. I love them more than- dare I say it- my iPhone. Yes, Bitter Amanda. I love my kickass plaid sneakers very, very much. And she keeps wearing them. How do I make her understand that my kickass plaid sneakers are not hers for the taking?
Shoeless Joe
Hannibal, MO
Dear Field of Dreams,
First of all, you should not be wearing plaid shoes with plaid pants. Period. Maybe she's doing you a favor because you're embarrassing her in public with your total lack of coordination. And because of that, she's probably a really good lady to have around. So help yourself out and do two things: go buy her a pair of plaid shoes in her size and then go buy some non-plaid shoes to wear with your plaid pants. Oh, third thing: chill the hell out.
And if I ever hear about you and your lady wearing your matching plaid shoes at the same time, I will make your life so miserable you'll wish you'd never written to me. Gag.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Dear Dumbass...
Dear Biter-girl,
So, what the hell is wrong with my woman? She simply does not know what she has with me. Let me tell you about myself… I am a writer—a PUBLISHED Writer!
My acomplishments are second to none. I have an amazeing intelect and imagination. I can “go places”, DANGEROUS and intense places— in my mind and take others with me in my segas. I Know...pretty cool. I am a Graduate in organizing knowledge. I know things.
Yet my woman doesn’t apreciate what she has! She just stays an arms distance from me. Wouldn’t you just cling to me?? I mean, think of your man—the guy who helps you to post on this webpage and enters your emails for you—you obviously hold onto him, and do whatever he tells you, right? So what the hell is wrong with my woman?? Afterall, I am a PUBLISHED Author. Maybe I should have her come here and read your response—that will set her straight. Tell your boyfriend/husband to compose a smart response, and then keep your picture up there so that she thinks it’s coming from another woman. (You gals can never figure things like that out.)
R. D. (Author, Published)
Dear Dumbass,
I wouldn't cling to you if you were a lifeboat and I was a victim aboard the Titanic.
Couple things, cowboy. First of all, I do not regret to inform you that Bitter Amanda is not going to serve as a billboard for your "novel." Nice try. Secondly, you'll notice I've removed the numerous links to your personal website, as well as your full name. And while usually that kind of crap is to protect privacy, this time...it was because you are a douchebag.
What I haven't taken out are your myriad spelling and grammatical errors. I hope you have a good editor for that Published Work, since you obviously don't utilize the spellcheck function that is standard on any computer.
(Whew. I feel better having gotten that out of my system! You?)
Now, to tackle that question of yours! I do hope I can figure out where all the letters are on this typing contraption! What the hell is wrong with your woman? Let me see...this is a tough one! My my my. Off the top of my head, I'd say that she was going through a mild out-of-body experience when she agreed to go out with you and has not yet found a polite way to get rid of you.
Right now, I want you to do exactly what you decided and let her read my answer:
Alright, lady, listen up. You need to get out and you need to get out now. I don't know you, but you deserve better. I mean, what's waiting for you in this relationship? A dedication in his lackluster sequel? Come on. Get your thesaurus, look up the words in a common break-up speech, find the biggest ones you can, and then deliver the wordiest Dear John letter possible. While he's struggling to figure out what you mean (and trust me, he will be) you get your things and you get out. Now let him back here to read the rest of my letter and start composing!
Alright big guy, I think we got her! *wink*
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
So, what the hell is wrong with my woman? She simply does not know what she has with me. Let me tell you about myself… I am a writer—a PUBLISHED Writer!
My acomplishments are second to none. I have an amazeing intelect and imagination. I can “go places”, DANGEROUS and intense places— in my mind and take others with me in my segas. I Know...pretty cool. I am a Graduate in organizing knowledge. I know things.
Yet my woman doesn’t apreciate what she has! She just stays an arms distance from me. Wouldn’t you just cling to me?? I mean, think of your man—the guy who helps you to post on this webpage and enters your emails for you—you obviously hold onto him, and do whatever he tells you, right? So what the hell is wrong with my woman?? Afterall, I am a PUBLISHED Author. Maybe I should have her come here and read your response—that will set her straight. Tell your boyfriend/husband to compose a smart response, and then keep your picture up there so that she thinks it’s coming from another woman. (You gals can never figure things like that out.)
R. D. (Author, Published)
Dear Dumbass,
I wouldn't cling to you if you were a lifeboat and I was a victim aboard the Titanic.
Couple things, cowboy. First of all, I do not regret to inform you that Bitter Amanda is not going to serve as a billboard for your "novel." Nice try. Secondly, you'll notice I've removed the numerous links to your personal website, as well as your full name. And while usually that kind of crap is to protect privacy, this time...it was because you are a douchebag.
What I haven't taken out are your myriad spelling and grammatical errors. I hope you have a good editor for that Published Work, since you obviously don't utilize the spellcheck function that is standard on any computer.
(Whew. I feel better having gotten that out of my system! You?)
Now, to tackle that question of yours! I do hope I can figure out where all the letters are on this typing contraption! What the hell is wrong with your woman? Let me see...this is a tough one! My my my. Off the top of my head, I'd say that she was going through a mild out-of-body experience when she agreed to go out with you and has not yet found a polite way to get rid of you.
Right now, I want you to do exactly what you decided and let her read my answer:
Alright, lady, listen up. You need to get out and you need to get out now. I don't know you, but you deserve better. I mean, what's waiting for you in this relationship? A dedication in his lackluster sequel? Come on. Get your thesaurus, look up the words in a common break-up speech, find the biggest ones you can, and then deliver the wordiest Dear John letter possible. While he's struggling to figure out what you mean (and trust me, he will be) you get your things and you get out. Now let him back here to read the rest of my letter and start composing!
Alright big guy, I think we got her! *wink*
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Friday, March 28, 2008
Dear Lynyrd Skynyrd...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
As a young lady, my grandmother went out on dates with quite a few attractive young gentlemen before marrying my grandfather. They took her rollerskating, to concerts, to dinner and to other venues where fun is had. They were cordial for the most part, and (except for that obnoxious one that wouldn't take a hint, who she was forced to push down the stairs) expected little more than an enjoyable evening out. There was a distinct lack of pressure to see the same boy from week to week, and it was not frowned upon to see two different boys in the same weekend. Why have things changed, Bitter Amanda? Why must everyone be so serious? Why the push from some innocent flirting and a nice skate around the roller rink to one-and-only-even-though-I-just-met-you-last-week type thinking? Can't a girl just get some ice cream with a nice young man with out him demanding sole ownership of her affections?
A Free Bird
Dear Lynyrd Skynyrd,
If only. My grandmother's diary (I had to pick the lock to read it. Totally worth it.) is full of stories about going out with various men and makes it sound very casual and fabulous. Sure, she swoons over them in print, but it was really very innocent. I don't know why we've gotten away from that. I'm willing to blame men, though. And sex. I'm fairly certain my gram wasn't banging every dude she went to a movie with. (If she was, she did not journal those particular events. Thank you for that, by the way.) People are having sex earlier in the relationship, which is fine. Have at it! Go nuts. Whatever. Go away.
I'm definitely not against sex. (Just not in public. Keep that shit at home.) It just turns our options into Serious Relationship or Casual Sex. Where is the Casual Relationship? It gets lost. (I guess you could also ask where the Serious Sex is. But that is not something I have an answer for, unfortunately.)
Men, I implore you: casually date. It's ok! Women will accept! Just don't make us push you down the stairs. (You go, grandmas of the world.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS--Yes, am burning journals when I reach old age. *ba
As a young lady, my grandmother went out on dates with quite a few attractive young gentlemen before marrying my grandfather. They took her rollerskating, to concerts, to dinner and to other venues where fun is had. They were cordial for the most part, and (except for that obnoxious one that wouldn't take a hint, who she was forced to push down the stairs) expected little more than an enjoyable evening out. There was a distinct lack of pressure to see the same boy from week to week, and it was not frowned upon to see two different boys in the same weekend. Why have things changed, Bitter Amanda? Why must everyone be so serious? Why the push from some innocent flirting and a nice skate around the roller rink to one-and-only-even-though-I-just-met-you-last-week type thinking? Can't a girl just get some ice cream with a nice young man with out him demanding sole ownership of her affections?
A Free Bird
Dear Lynyrd Skynyrd,
If only. My grandmother's diary (I had to pick the lock to read it. Totally worth it.) is full of stories about going out with various men and makes it sound very casual and fabulous. Sure, she swoons over them in print, but it was really very innocent. I don't know why we've gotten away from that. I'm willing to blame men, though. And sex. I'm fairly certain my gram wasn't banging every dude she went to a movie with. (If she was, she did not journal those particular events. Thank you for that, by the way.) People are having sex earlier in the relationship, which is fine. Have at it! Go nuts. Whatever. Go away.
I'm definitely not against sex. (Just not in public. Keep that shit at home.) It just turns our options into Serious Relationship or Casual Sex. Where is the Casual Relationship? It gets lost. (I guess you could also ask where the Serious Sex is. But that is not something I have an answer for, unfortunately.)
Men, I implore you: casually date. It's ok! Women will accept! Just don't make us push you down the stairs. (You go, grandmas of the world.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS--Yes, am burning journals when I reach old age. *ba
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Dear Cheeta...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
Boy at work. Look good. Smell nice. Make brain stupid. Drool. Paperwork soaked. What to do?
Tarzanna
Dear Cheeta,
It's a trap. Do not fall for it. Men know that looking good and smelling nice are pretty much the only tricks up their sleeves that we will still fall for. They haven't figured out the rest, like good manners or the long-lost art of being a gentleman. (I can't say I'm worried they'll crack the code on those.)
It's happened to the best of us, sunshine. Laminate your important paperwork and invest in some dry-erase markers. Ignore the boys to the best of your abilities. You'll thank me later.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Boy at work. Look good. Smell nice. Make brain stupid. Drool. Paperwork soaked. What to do?
Tarzanna
Dear Cheeta,
It's a trap. Do not fall for it. Men know that looking good and smelling nice are pretty much the only tricks up their sleeves that we will still fall for. They haven't figured out the rest, like good manners or the long-lost art of being a gentleman. (I can't say I'm worried they'll crack the code on those.)
It's happened to the best of us, sunshine. Laminate your important paperwork and invest in some dry-erase markers. Ignore the boys to the best of your abilities. You'll thank me later.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Dear Titanic...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
I know this guy. He's not my ideal, but he's fun enough to hang out with on at least a friendly basis. I have reason to believe he is interested in me, and that if I decide to give the signal, it's possible I'll have something to do on any given weekend. I am at odds as to what to do with this information. He's very intelligent, well versed in many subjects and a decent conversationalist, and I could use a night out, to be perfectly honest. However, as sometimes happens with high intelligence, particularly concerning the male of the species (possibly some function of the less robust Y chromosome?), he does lack certain social skills, such as basic table manners. I worry that his faux pas might be indicative of larger inconsiderate/gross-boy-type issues. I'm not concerned about the rarity of a toilet seat not returned to its proper downright position, or the occasional unwashed dishes in the sink. I'm more worried about combinations of the two, like peeing in the sink because the toilet lid is down. Or peeing on the unwashed dishes in the sink. Far be it for me to change a man's ways (I certainly have no desire to be a female Pygmalion), but I must say this: I will not tolerate sink pee-ers. I draw the line there.
I admit I have no evidence of this creative urination style with regard to the male in question, but it has been my experience that people who mistake coat sleeves for napkins and soup bowls for drinking vessels outside the sanctity of their own home are prone to other, more serious transgressions. He is also what popular culture would deem a "foodie", so, should I deign to give him the time of day, we would likely be spending much time in restaurants. Perhaps schmancy ones. I'm all for intelligent conversation with foodies in schmancy restaurants, but if someone is having difficulty remembering to use a fork, let alone the correct fork, how is one to cope? This is what troubles me.
My question, Bitter Amanda, is this: Am I being too picky or not picky enough? Is it really too much for me to ask that a man have a brain and be aware that manners exist, or have I just been deprived of any available man's attention for so long that my standards have dropped to a point where those previously considered unacceptable weasel their way up to a "well, perhaps if he buys the drinks"? Could the answer be different if he were very attractive? In short, am I lowering the bar, or is it still too high? I just don't know anymore.
Sincerely,
Pole Vaulter
Dear Titanic,
Men are like icebergs. The part you see is in no way an indication of what is under the surface. Sometimes, very rarely, that's a good thing. You may find one of those fabled men who have more to offer a girl than a night out and free drinks. But more often than not, it is bad. Just like the situation you're describing, you can't tell how pig-like a man is until it's too late. You can never be too cautious about this sort of thing.
Sometimes, women do set the bar too high. Women who have seen too many Meg Ryan movies and read too many romance novels. There is absolutely nothing wrong with standards (this keeps us from dating sink pee-ers), but sometimes you need to step back and ask if they are realistic. If you only want a man who has a Pulitzer Prize, then perhaps you need to widen the horizons. Strictly into Olympic gold medalists? A nice idea, but there aren't very many of them, statistically speaking. But a man with good manners? That is certainly not unheard of! (Well...)
Nothing wrong with hanging out with the guy you talk about, but don't stop looking for a man who does the dishes in the sink, does his business in the toilet, and puts the lid down when he's at your place. (Note: if you are this man, email me. Who knows? Maybe I can do some match-making.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I know this guy. He's not my ideal, but he's fun enough to hang out with on at least a friendly basis. I have reason to believe he is interested in me, and that if I decide to give the signal, it's possible I'll have something to do on any given weekend. I am at odds as to what to do with this information. He's very intelligent, well versed in many subjects and a decent conversationalist, and I could use a night out, to be perfectly honest. However, as sometimes happens with high intelligence, particularly concerning the male of the species (possibly some function of the less robust Y chromosome?), he does lack certain social skills, such as basic table manners. I worry that his faux pas might be indicative of larger inconsiderate/gross-boy-type issues. I'm not concerned about the rarity of a toilet seat not returned to its proper downright position, or the occasional unwashed dishes in the sink. I'm more worried about combinations of the two, like peeing in the sink because the toilet lid is down. Or peeing on the unwashed dishes in the sink. Far be it for me to change a man's ways (I certainly have no desire to be a female Pygmalion), but I must say this: I will not tolerate sink pee-ers. I draw the line there.
I admit I have no evidence of this creative urination style with regard to the male in question, but it has been my experience that people who mistake coat sleeves for napkins and soup bowls for drinking vessels outside the sanctity of their own home are prone to other, more serious transgressions. He is also what popular culture would deem a "foodie", so, should I deign to give him the time of day, we would likely be spending much time in restaurants. Perhaps schmancy ones. I'm all for intelligent conversation with foodies in schmancy restaurants, but if someone is having difficulty remembering to use a fork, let alone the correct fork, how is one to cope? This is what troubles me.
My question, Bitter Amanda, is this: Am I being too picky or not picky enough? Is it really too much for me to ask that a man have a brain and be aware that manners exist, or have I just been deprived of any available man's attention for so long that my standards have dropped to a point where those previously considered unacceptable weasel their way up to a "well, perhaps if he buys the drinks"? Could the answer be different if he were very attractive? In short, am I lowering the bar, or is it still too high? I just don't know anymore.
Sincerely,
Pole Vaulter
Dear Titanic,
Men are like icebergs. The part you see is in no way an indication of what is under the surface. Sometimes, very rarely, that's a good thing. You may find one of those fabled men who have more to offer a girl than a night out and free drinks. But more often than not, it is bad. Just like the situation you're describing, you can't tell how pig-like a man is until it's too late. You can never be too cautious about this sort of thing.
Sometimes, women do set the bar too high. Women who have seen too many Meg Ryan movies and read too many romance novels. There is absolutely nothing wrong with standards (this keeps us from dating sink pee-ers), but sometimes you need to step back and ask if they are realistic. If you only want a man who has a Pulitzer Prize, then perhaps you need to widen the horizons. Strictly into Olympic gold medalists? A nice idea, but there aren't very many of them, statistically speaking. But a man with good manners? That is certainly not unheard of! (Well...)
Nothing wrong with hanging out with the guy you talk about, but don't stop looking for a man who does the dishes in the sink, does his business in the toilet, and puts the lid down when he's at your place. (Note: if you are this man, email me. Who knows? Maybe I can do some match-making.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Dear Princess Leia...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
Considering your vast knowledge of the human condition, I am hoping you can assist me. I find myself at an age where many of my friends are getting married. These weddings are usually full of women I do not know, and would like to dance with. But they are often dancing with their friends in a big group. How do I know when I can approach one of them and get a dance? What signs should I be looking for? Is there some sort of code I am unaware of? Please help me, Bitter Amanda. Much like Obi-Wan Kenobi for this generation, you are my only hope.
Thanks,
Single Dude
Dear Princess Leia,
You flatter me. Really. Too kind. All that bullshit. I’m sure you intended to, thinking I might help you. And you’re correct—but you’ve also left me confused. I mean, obviously you know some things about women. And yet your letter would suggest otherwise. You’re looking for signs? A code? News flash, champ. It’s right in front of your face. Of course there are signals! If a woman is dancing with a group of women, she’s probably willing to dance with just one person. Imagine, if you will, a group of [straight] men dancing with each other while all the women stand off to the side of the dance floor. Isn’t that sad? Don’t you want to go up to those women and shove them in the direction of men? That’s kind of how women feel when they’re dancing in a group. Don’t get me wrong—they’re having a good time. But when we see you standing around on the edge of the floor, looking around and bobbing your heads, we just want to shake you like a bad mother with her screaming child. Stop worrying about rejection, grow some balls, and just ask one of them to dance! If you’re not creepy or rude, the odds are heavily in your favor! We just respect you asking—really. That’s the big secret. You have to ask. Sound like something you can do, champ? Should we review?
-Don’t be creepy.
-Don’t be an asshole.
-Don’t be a creepy asshole.
-ASK.
Give that a try.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Considering your vast knowledge of the human condition, I am hoping you can assist me. I find myself at an age where many of my friends are getting married. These weddings are usually full of women I do not know, and would like to dance with. But they are often dancing with their friends in a big group. How do I know when I can approach one of them and get a dance? What signs should I be looking for? Is there some sort of code I am unaware of? Please help me, Bitter Amanda. Much like Obi-Wan Kenobi for this generation, you are my only hope.
Thanks,
Single Dude
Dear Princess Leia,
You flatter me. Really. Too kind. All that bullshit. I’m sure you intended to, thinking I might help you. And you’re correct—but you’ve also left me confused. I mean, obviously you know some things about women. And yet your letter would suggest otherwise. You’re looking for signs? A code? News flash, champ. It’s right in front of your face. Of course there are signals! If a woman is dancing with a group of women, she’s probably willing to dance with just one person. Imagine, if you will, a group of [straight] men dancing with each other while all the women stand off to the side of the dance floor. Isn’t that sad? Don’t you want to go up to those women and shove them in the direction of men? That’s kind of how women feel when they’re dancing in a group. Don’t get me wrong—they’re having a good time. But when we see you standing around on the edge of the floor, looking around and bobbing your heads, we just want to shake you like a bad mother with her screaming child. Stop worrying about rejection, grow some balls, and just ask one of them to dance! If you’re not creepy or rude, the odds are heavily in your favor! We just respect you asking—really. That’s the big secret. You have to ask. Sound like something you can do, champ? Should we review?
-Don’t be creepy.
-Don’t be an asshole.
-Don’t be a creepy asshole.
-ASK.
Give that a try.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Dear Genius...
Bitter Amanda,
I was having trouble getting work done today. I needed some motivation. And I realized what the best motivation EVER would be: a sex kitten. Someone who would reward me with sexual favors when I was productive and got shit done. Not someone to have a relationship with, just a cute piece of ass who is strong-willed and won't put out until all the work is done.
Where can I find one of these?
~Seeking Motivation
Dear Genius,
Holy damn is that a good idea. (And you know I hate to admit other people are smarter than me!)
I mean, it sounds a bit like prostitution at first glance. In the Julia Roberts Pretty Woman sort of way. But I don't think your average whore works the way you've described. So it's really more like a friends-with-benefits thing.
Since there are no matchmaking services for this sort of thing...(Colleges and universities everywhere should have postings like this, similar to a ride board. (HA!) Pairing you up with other like-minded, strong-willed individuals. You'd monitor each other's progress and stay on track.) I suggest you ask around. Perhaps you have some friends you wouldn't mind sleeping with?
See what you can do, and keep me posted. I love to hear about non-relationships!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I was having trouble getting work done today. I needed some motivation. And I realized what the best motivation EVER would be: a sex kitten. Someone who would reward me with sexual favors when I was productive and got shit done. Not someone to have a relationship with, just a cute piece of ass who is strong-willed and won't put out until all the work is done.
Where can I find one of these?
~Seeking Motivation
Dear Genius,
Holy damn is that a good idea. (And you know I hate to admit other people are smarter than me!)
I mean, it sounds a bit like prostitution at first glance. In the Julia Roberts Pretty Woman sort of way. But I don't think your average whore works the way you've described. So it's really more like a friends-with-benefits thing.
Since there are no matchmaking services for this sort of thing...(Colleges and universities everywhere should have postings like this, similar to a ride board. (HA!) Pairing you up with other like-minded, strong-willed individuals. You'd monitor each other's progress and stay on track.) I suggest you ask around. Perhaps you have some friends you wouldn't mind sleeping with?
See what you can do, and keep me posted. I love to hear about non-relationships!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Dear Lifetime Movie...
Dearest Bitter Amanda,
So, this guy I know asked me out over email (he didn't have my number.) And I was on the fence about it, he seems like a nice guy but not really my type. So I decided: go out with him once, if it's awkward then it ends there, if not then maybe I have a shot of finally getting laid. Well, our schedules were completely opposite, we never got a chance to go out, so we continued with small talk over email. Well, the last email I got from him casually mentioned the following:
"I am moving out of my wonderful new place because my roommate had a psychotic episode and tried to choke me and shoot me so I will be busy next weekend moving. I am never doing the roommate thing again. Time to find a new place. Anyhow..."
Umm, how am I supposed to react to that? I've only met him twice in person, we haven't been emailing each other for that long, and AWKWARD!! I mean, I'm glad he survived his ordeal, and I would have understood if it was worded more like "I had the scariest weekend ever..." but he talks about it like it's the weather. How am I supposed to respond? Now I think he's weird for reacting so casually to the entire episode, and who wants to date a weirdo? But I also desperately need to get laid. What's a horny girl to do?
Signed,
Confused and Celibate (but not by choice)
(PS. When I saw him in person before he asked me out he was talking about his "wonderful new place", and it was almost like he was waiting for me to go "hey, you should invite me over sometime so I can see it." Glad I didn't take the bait on that one.)
Dear Lifetime Movie,
I don't have very many good things to say about men, but I will go out on a limb and give them this one: they never cease to amaze. Their illogical and head-scratching behavior really keeps the mystery alive, at the very least. I suspect that with his roommate sob story, he was going for sympathy and wanted your maternal instincts to kick in so you'd fawn all over him. (Typical.) And he's trying to appear manly and strong by passing it off as a very casual near-death experience. (Again, typical.)
Regarding his date invite, you sound pretty apathetic towards him. (You didn't even give him your number!) And horny or not, you don't want to be apathetic towards a boyfriend. Quite frankly, they are too irritating and too much work to only feel "ehhh."
You have to worry about a guy who can't recognize a batshit-crazy roommate when he has one. I'm not saying this guy is batshit-crazy, but you probs want to sleep with a better judge of character.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
So, this guy I know asked me out over email (he didn't have my number.) And I was on the fence about it, he seems like a nice guy but not really my type. So I decided: go out with him once, if it's awkward then it ends there, if not then maybe I have a shot of finally getting laid. Well, our schedules were completely opposite, we never got a chance to go out, so we continued with small talk over email. Well, the last email I got from him casually mentioned the following:
"I am moving out of my wonderful new place because my roommate had a psychotic episode and tried to choke me and shoot me so I will be busy next weekend moving. I am never doing the roommate thing again. Time to find a new place. Anyhow..."
Umm, how am I supposed to react to that? I've only met him twice in person, we haven't been emailing each other for that long, and AWKWARD!! I mean, I'm glad he survived his ordeal, and I would have understood if it was worded more like "I had the scariest weekend ever..." but he talks about it like it's the weather. How am I supposed to respond? Now I think he's weird for reacting so casually to the entire episode, and who wants to date a weirdo? But I also desperately need to get laid. What's a horny girl to do?
Signed,
Confused and Celibate (but not by choice)
(PS. When I saw him in person before he asked me out he was talking about his "wonderful new place", and it was almost like he was waiting for me to go "hey, you should invite me over sometime so I can see it." Glad I didn't take the bait on that one.)
Dear Lifetime Movie,
I don't have very many good things to say about men, but I will go out on a limb and give them this one: they never cease to amaze. Their illogical and head-scratching behavior really keeps the mystery alive, at the very least. I suspect that with his roommate sob story, he was going for sympathy and wanted your maternal instincts to kick in so you'd fawn all over him. (Typical.) And he's trying to appear manly and strong by passing it off as a very casual near-death experience. (Again, typical.)
Regarding his date invite, you sound pretty apathetic towards him. (You didn't even give him your number!) And horny or not, you don't want to be apathetic towards a boyfriend. Quite frankly, they are too irritating and too much work to only feel "ehhh."
You have to worry about a guy who can't recognize a batshit-crazy roommate when he has one. I'm not saying this guy is batshit-crazy, but you probs want to sleep with a better judge of character.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Monday, December 24, 2007
Three Sizes Too Small.
I recently hung out with my holiday hero! Together, we were mean and discussed our smaller-than-average, cold, bitter hearts. It was a good time.
Happy Holidays!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Dear Restraining Order...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
Recent life experiences have left me with a bitterness so intense, I can taste it like yesterday's hot dog. I crave something sweeter. Like revenge. Do you have any guidelines or tips on getting even?
Best Served Cold,
Gazpacho
Dear Restraining Order,
Ahh, hell hath no fury. It warms my cold, grey heart. I can only assume you're speaking of relationship-related scorn.
(If I'm wrong, email me again and I'll get back to you. But I'd strongly advise against using the word "wrong.")
Let's see what we can do for you, sunshine.
Try to turn your problem into an amusing anecdote. ("My boyfriend broke up with me by bringing me a present! I guess they just didn't have a greeting card with the appropriate sentiment?") Yours won't be as amusing as mine, but keep that chin up. In time it will improve. (Maybe. No guarantees. You might be one of those bad storytellers.) That way you can throw it around wherever you go, which is a subtle (and quite frankly, classy) way of bringing someone down. Making him the butt of every joke lets the whole world know that he was the butt of your relationship.
There are always the tried and true standards. The Chanel suit of revenge, these tactics just don't go out of style. Making sure that any girl he gets close to knows about his unadvertised traits is a good way to ensure that he is alone. ("God, I'm so glad we're through! I don't know how many more Friday night Lord of the Rings marathons I could have taken!") While you're at it, become friends with the new ladies so that he is in a constant state of AWKWARD.
Now...there are other ways to get your revenge, but it has been advised that I not endorse any of them. So you're going to have to use your imagination. *cough*spread rumors*cough* Excuse me. Rely on your bitter instinct here. *cough*syphilis is unattractive*cough* Damn, I'll have to have that cough checked out.
Hope that satisfies your craving.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS- As for guidelines, I believe there is a phrase in the popular vernacular that sums it up. Go big or go home.
Recent life experiences have left me with a bitterness so intense, I can taste it like yesterday's hot dog. I crave something sweeter. Like revenge. Do you have any guidelines or tips on getting even?
Best Served Cold,
Gazpacho
Dear Restraining Order,
Ahh, hell hath no fury. It warms my cold, grey heart. I can only assume you're speaking of relationship-related scorn.
(If I'm wrong, email me again and I'll get back to you. But I'd strongly advise against using the word "wrong.")
Let's see what we can do for you, sunshine.
Try to turn your problem into an amusing anecdote. ("My boyfriend broke up with me by bringing me a present! I guess they just didn't have a greeting card with the appropriate sentiment?") Yours won't be as amusing as mine, but keep that chin up. In time it will improve. (Maybe. No guarantees. You might be one of those bad storytellers.) That way you can throw it around wherever you go, which is a subtle (and quite frankly, classy) way of bringing someone down. Making him the butt of every joke lets the whole world know that he was the butt of your relationship.
There are always the tried and true standards. The Chanel suit of revenge, these tactics just don't go out of style. Making sure that any girl he gets close to knows about his unadvertised traits is a good way to ensure that he is alone. ("God, I'm so glad we're through! I don't know how many more Friday night Lord of the Rings marathons I could have taken!") While you're at it, become friends with the new ladies so that he is in a constant state of AWKWARD.
Now...there are other ways to get your revenge, but it has been advised that I not endorse any of them. So you're going to have to use your imagination. *cough*spread rumors*cough* Excuse me. Rely on your bitter instinct here. *cough*syphilis is unattractive*cough* Damn, I'll have to have that cough checked out.
Hope that satisfies your craving.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS- As for guidelines, I believe there is a phrase in the popular vernacular that sums it up. Go big or go home.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Dear Awkward Button...
Ok. So after a company shindig, there was still a keg of beer left. So whats a group of twenty-somethings to do besides take it back to a coworkers house and kill it by playing some beer pong? Well, the socially awkward kid who we work with... gave me a peck on the cheek... when I went to leave. I've worked with him for years and have barely spoken to him. I don't think I've ever touched him, even a simple handshake.
What does it mean? Was it just a friendly but drunken good bye? Was he trying to make out with me and missed my mouth? Was he trying to get into my pants? I'd be ok with that, no ones tried to get into my pants for a while. Except for me, but they're my pants. If I don't get into them every morning, I can't go to work. So thats no fun. And does that mean my standards have dropped dangerously low? Am I just overthinking this way to much?
~Need to get laid, and soon
Dear Awkward Button,
Wow. That must have sucked for you. Since he's a boy, and an awkward one at that, there's no way of figuring out what his goal was. Not to mention, you didn't give me nearly enough information. I mean, what line of work are we talking about? Is awkward unusual? Are you more on the friendly-to-everyone flight attendant end of the spectrum, or more on the engineers-who-don't-know-how-to-have-regular-conversations end? Was he ignoring you all night and then randomly kissed you? Or was it something he was probably working himself up to? Was he kissing everyone? Or were you the target?
See what I mean? Not enough info.
Based on your minimal (and yes, disappointing) description, I'd just chalk it up to him getting somewhat plastered and finding the courage to not be awkward. You probably could have tried to turn it into something else, since he's a boy and they don't strike me as very picky regarding action.
And yeah, you're definitely overthinking it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
What does it mean? Was it just a friendly but drunken good bye? Was he trying to make out with me and missed my mouth? Was he trying to get into my pants? I'd be ok with that, no ones tried to get into my pants for a while. Except for me, but they're my pants. If I don't get into them every morning, I can't go to work. So thats no fun. And does that mean my standards have dropped dangerously low? Am I just overthinking this way to much?
~Need to get laid, and soon
Dear Awkward Button,
Wow. That must have sucked for you. Since he's a boy, and an awkward one at that, there's no way of figuring out what his goal was. Not to mention, you didn't give me nearly enough information. I mean, what line of work are we talking about? Is awkward unusual? Are you more on the friendly-to-everyone flight attendant end of the spectrum, or more on the engineers-who-don't-know-how-to-have-regular-conversations end? Was he ignoring you all night and then randomly kissed you? Or was it something he was probably working himself up to? Was he kissing everyone? Or were you the target?
See what I mean? Not enough info.
Based on your minimal (and yes, disappointing) description, I'd just chalk it up to him getting somewhat plastered and finding the courage to not be awkward. You probably could have tried to turn it into something else, since he's a boy and they don't strike me as very picky regarding action.
And yeah, you're definitely overthinking it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Dear Mrs. Fields...
Ok. So I ordered some Chinese food to be delivered to my house. Because I'm single and lonely and have no one to take me out to dinner. And the fortune cookie that came along with my meal said "This is a wonderful time in your life to look inward for answers." And its one of those fancy fortunes, which has a Chinese word on the back.
Nan pun yau. Boyfriend.
Umm, is it just me, or did the fortune cookie tell me to look inside my life, to figure out why I don't have a boyfriend? Go fuck yourself fortune cookie!! I don't need your 'advice'! Go shove your nan pun yau up your kung pao szechuan ass!
Signed,
Setting my fortune on fire
Dear Mrs. Fields,
It's a cookie. You're looking at this all wrong. (Thank God you people have me.) Eating with a boy is often a contact sport. If they're really hungry, it's like that hippo game that kids play--get your hands out of the way! Guard what you really want to eat, and kiss any leftovers goodbye. To a boy, "leftovers" are simply food that you left on your plate for him to eat. You got to eat in your pajamas if you felt like it, and you could put anything on the television. And if Chinese food makes you gassy? No matter! Nobody to censor yourself in front of! (Not that boys feel the same need to leave some aspects of life private. Since they are gross.)
Moral of the story, eat the second fortune cookie and ignore the first one. Your single life rocks.
And seriously, calm the hell down. It's a cookie.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Nan pun yau. Boyfriend.
Umm, is it just me, or did the fortune cookie tell me to look inside my life, to figure out why I don't have a boyfriend? Go fuck yourself fortune cookie!! I don't need your 'advice'! Go shove your nan pun yau up your kung pao szechuan ass!
Signed,
Setting my fortune on fire
Dear Mrs. Fields,
It's a cookie. You're looking at this all wrong. (Thank God you people have me.) Eating with a boy is often a contact sport. If they're really hungry, it's like that hippo game that kids play--get your hands out of the way! Guard what you really want to eat, and kiss any leftovers goodbye. To a boy, "leftovers" are simply food that you left on your plate for him to eat. You got to eat in your pajamas if you felt like it, and you could put anything on the television. And if Chinese food makes you gassy? No matter! Nobody to censor yourself in front of! (Not that boys feel the same need to leave some aspects of life private. Since they are gross.)
Moral of the story, eat the second fortune cookie and ignore the first one. Your single life rocks.
And seriously, calm the hell down. It's a cookie.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Dear Keep Your Damn Pants On...
Dear Bitter Amanda:
Are you *really* that busy? Or are you suffering from a dearth of questions? I'm sure there are *some* poor saps out there that need your advice.
I need my fix, dammit!
Impatience McGee
Dear Keep Your Damn Pants On,
Oh, calm the hell down! Go find a hobby or something.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS: Am still deciding how I feel about being compared to an addictive substance. Is Bitter Amanda the new crack? Thanks, I think. *ba
Are you *really* that busy? Or are you suffering from a dearth of questions? I'm sure there are *some* poor saps out there that need your advice.
I need my fix, dammit!
Impatience McGee
Dear Keep Your Damn Pants On,
Oh, calm the hell down! Go find a hobby or something.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS: Am still deciding how I feel about being compared to an addictive substance. Is Bitter Amanda the new crack? Thanks, I think. *ba
Thursday, October 04, 2007
A note.
Why haven't I been berating any of you lately? Reality television and dating guides, my hopeless friends. Check it out and I'll see you in a week!
[For the 2nd Annual KDB Melanoma Walk...go read the link above for more information!]
Try not to disgust anyone while I'm gone--PDA kids, I'm looking at you.
[For the 2nd Annual KDB Melanoma Walk...go read the link above for more information!]
Try not to disgust anyone while I'm gone--PDA kids, I'm looking at you.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Dear Julius...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
I was at a party and a guy who has been interested in me was there. He told me he was going and was excited he would see me there. I went with some friends and everything seemed to be going fine but he just kept avoiding me! I left because I thought this party was lame and I found out later that he went off dancing with the friend I showed up with! I talked to him about it and told him I was mad. He kept apologizing but I just cant shake the feeling he's using me. I also talked to my friend and she said she didn't see what was wrong with it when she knew I had feelings for him! How do I act and am I overreacting?
Betrayed By the Best
Dear Julius,
Alright, I have several points to make here, so stay close. First of all, you're not overreacting. I'm about to give you some of the most basic advice out there, courtesy of my mother. Ready?
Trust your instincts.
It doesn't always make sense, but you get that feeling for a reason. If your gut tells you he's bad news, then princess, you should listen. It's smarter than you think it is.
Second of all, boys are LAME. They consistently behave in ways that boggle the mind. They claim to be simple creatures; easy to figure out. This may be true, but first you have to put yourself in this ridiculous mindset of mixed signals and illogical moves. For example, you're a dude and you're into a girl. You see her at a party. What should you do? Ohhh, talk to her. Hang out near her. Acknowledge her general presence. And if he's really into you, he'll figure that out. Bu if he can't come up to you and hang out after being "so excited to see you," then maybe you're too good for him and should set your sights higher. Because, I repeat, boys are lame.
THIRD. Ladies, this is just ridiculous. You can't dance with your BFF's mancandy. I know, I know--"we're just friends and it didn't mean anything!" But it LOOKS like it means something, and you KNOW that. We've all been on both sides of that. And it sucks. We are better than that kind of treatment! I am so tired of seeing women treat their friends like crap at the first sign of testosterone in the area. So remember this: even if you know it doesn't mean anything, your friend might not. And nobody wants to be labeled the bitchy friend--dance with too many of your girls' crushes and that's what you'll get.
So princess, what should you do? Talk to your friend. Tell her how you felt, and if she doesn't try to understand, then you totally have my permission to spread the word that she's the bitchy friend. The guy is another story. It sounds like he has to grow up. (Like most of the male gender.) If he's really into you, he'll man up and make some time for you.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I was at a party and a guy who has been interested in me was there. He told me he was going and was excited he would see me there. I went with some friends and everything seemed to be going fine but he just kept avoiding me! I left because I thought this party was lame and I found out later that he went off dancing with the friend I showed up with! I talked to him about it and told him I was mad. He kept apologizing but I just cant shake the feeling he's using me. I also talked to my friend and she said she didn't see what was wrong with it when she knew I had feelings for him! How do I act and am I overreacting?
Betrayed By the Best
Dear Julius,
Alright, I have several points to make here, so stay close. First of all, you're not overreacting. I'm about to give you some of the most basic advice out there, courtesy of my mother. Ready?
Trust your instincts.
It doesn't always make sense, but you get that feeling for a reason. If your gut tells you he's bad news, then princess, you should listen. It's smarter than you think it is.
Second of all, boys are LAME. They consistently behave in ways that boggle the mind. They claim to be simple creatures; easy to figure out. This may be true, but first you have to put yourself in this ridiculous mindset of mixed signals and illogical moves. For example, you're a dude and you're into a girl. You see her at a party. What should you do? Ohhh, talk to her. Hang out near her. Acknowledge her general presence. And if he's really into you, he'll figure that out. Bu if he can't come up to you and hang out after being "so excited to see you," then maybe you're too good for him and should set your sights higher. Because, I repeat, boys are lame.
THIRD. Ladies, this is just ridiculous. You can't dance with your BFF's mancandy. I know, I know--"we're just friends and it didn't mean anything!" But it LOOKS like it means something, and you KNOW that. We've all been on both sides of that. And it sucks. We are better than that kind of treatment! I am so tired of seeing women treat their friends like crap at the first sign of testosterone in the area. So remember this: even if you know it doesn't mean anything, your friend might not. And nobody wants to be labeled the bitchy friend--dance with too many of your girls' crushes and that's what you'll get.
So princess, what should you do? Talk to your friend. Tell her how you felt, and if she doesn't try to understand, then you totally have my permission to spread the word that she's the bitchy friend. The guy is another story. It sounds like he has to grow up. (Like most of the male gender.) If he's really into you, he'll man up and make some time for you.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Dear Babysitter...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
What is the proper response to a man-child that asks for your number before he asks for your name?
-Digits
Dear Babysitter,
Well clearly your best course of action is to make him feel like the drooling, grunting caveman that he is. Allow me to model a conversation for you. Please note that depending on his level of evolution, he may or may not get that you're calling him a moron. Even if he doesn't, though, it'll hit him later as he relays it to friends, perplexed.
The Missing Link: "Can I have your number? *grunt*"
Your Royal Hotness: "Hi, I'm *insert name here*."
TML: "Huhhh?"
YRH: "Nice to meet you."
TML: "Whaaa? Number? No?"
You see what I did there? You play out the conversation as though he'd properly introduced himself first. In doing so, it's thrown him off his course, because he didn't hear any numbers. Then you can give him a phone number--check out this page. It's called The Rejection Hotline, and it's a real number you can give someone, but it leads them to a recording about how they just got hardcore turned down. I've never used it, but it sounds like good fun!
Best of luck, buttercup.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
What is the proper response to a man-child that asks for your number before he asks for your name?
-Digits
Dear Babysitter,
Well clearly your best course of action is to make him feel like the drooling, grunting caveman that he is. Allow me to model a conversation for you. Please note that depending on his level of evolution, he may or may not get that you're calling him a moron. Even if he doesn't, though, it'll hit him later as he relays it to friends, perplexed.
The Missing Link: "Can I have your number? *grunt*"
Your Royal Hotness: "Hi, I'm *insert name here*."
TML: "Huhhh?"
YRH: "Nice to meet you."
TML: "Whaaa? Number? No?"
You see what I did there? You play out the conversation as though he'd properly introduced himself first. In doing so, it's thrown him off his course, because he didn't hear any numbers. Then you can give him a phone number--check out this page. It's called The Rejection Hotline, and it's a real number you can give someone, but it leads them to a recording about how they just got hardcore turned down. I've never used it, but it sounds like good fun!
Best of luck, buttercup.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Dear HUGE MISTAKE...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
I am in grave danger of engaging in PDA. HELP!!
-Terribly Tempted
Dear HUGE MISTAKE,
Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! STEP AWAY FROM THE OTHER PERSON! Just say no! Unless you are getting married and the PDA you're referring to is a kiss at the altar, there is absolutely no excuse for PDA.
SYPHILIS!
Get out of there, Eve.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I am in grave danger of engaging in PDA. HELP!!
-Terribly Tempted
Dear HUGE MISTAKE,
Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! STEP AWAY FROM THE OTHER PERSON! Just say no! Unless you are getting married and the PDA you're referring to is a kiss at the altar, there is absolutely no excuse for PDA.
SYPHILIS!
Get out of there, Eve.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Dear Clarabelle...
Dear Bitter Amanda--
While struggling to engage my dearest in a game of footsie, I started to wonder why boys always make the girl do all the work. It seems more often than not they sit there like disinterested cows while the girl struggles to charm the pants off the boy in question with her flirtations and feminine wiles. After a few days/weeks/months of batting your freaking eyelashes to an ignorant bovine stare, you start feeling like a whore. What gives? And what can be done?
50 Winks and No Bed
Dear Clarabelle,
What gives, you ask? Boys are stupid. That's what gives. They don't put in the effort required to make women recognize when they are trying, so they clearly cannot see when someone does. It's either that, or they DO know and are playing some pathetic game of "how long WILL she bat her eyelashes my way?" to feel better about themselves and boost their precious ego. (Sidenote, boys: If you are, you need to stop right now. Because we're very Twisted Sister about this issue, and if you're messing with our heads we are not going to take it anymore. You'll miss out entirely.)
Sadly, most guys are clueless , oblivious messes when it comes to your attention. They don't do subtle and they can't understand it. You're going to have to either set your sights higher or make your attraction more obvious. I'm talking about in his face, "I WANT TO KISS YOU" obvious. And girl double-talk confuses them, so try to avoid that. You can't say, "I like you. I mean, I LIKE YOU like you." He'll just look lost, scratch his head/balls/both, order another beer, and ogle some other woman. Use small, common words and simple sentence structure. Remember who you're dealing with, after all. It's not ideal, but at least he'll finally understand.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
While struggling to engage my dearest in a game of footsie, I started to wonder why boys always make the girl do all the work. It seems more often than not they sit there like disinterested cows while the girl struggles to charm the pants off the boy in question with her flirtations and feminine wiles. After a few days/weeks/months of batting your freaking eyelashes to an ignorant bovine stare, you start feeling like a whore. What gives? And what can be done?
50 Winks and No Bed
Dear Clarabelle,
What gives, you ask? Boys are stupid. That's what gives. They don't put in the effort required to make women recognize when they are trying, so they clearly cannot see when someone does. It's either that, or they DO know and are playing some pathetic game of "how long WILL she bat her eyelashes my way?" to feel better about themselves and boost their precious ego. (Sidenote, boys: If you are, you need to stop right now. Because we're very Twisted Sister about this issue, and if you're messing with our heads we are not going to take it anymore. You'll miss out entirely.)
Sadly, most guys are clueless , oblivious messes when it comes to your attention. They don't do subtle and they can't understand it. You're going to have to either set your sights higher or make your attraction more obvious. I'm talking about in his face, "I WANT TO KISS YOU" obvious. And girl double-talk confuses them, so try to avoid that. You can't say, "I like you. I mean, I LIKE YOU like you." He'll just look lost, scratch his head/balls/both, order another beer, and ogle some other woman. Use small, common words and simple sentence structure. Remember who you're dealing with, after all. It's not ideal, but at least he'll finally understand.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Monday, August 27, 2007
Dear Cloudy...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
My case might be a bit particular but my question is pretty universal. After recently ending (not in a good way) a long-term and often long-distance relationship and spending a year abroad during which my parents moved across the country, I will spend my summer living at home and working in Denver. In short, the forecast for my summer is heavy loneliness with a chance of culture shock. I would really like to make some friends, preferably of the male persuasion, but I am completely lost as to how to go about doing that after not being single for the past 4 years, not being in the US for the past 10 months, and never being to Denver ever! Do you have any tips on how to meet people? How to avoid too much parent-time? Any good summer airline deals so I can visit my friends around the country?
Merci,
The Lone Ranger
Dear Cloudy,
I freaking wish I knew about good airline deals! The few people who can tolerate my attitude for long periods of time are scattered around the country/world.
Summer is quickly coming to an end, so I have managed to dodge the too much parent-time question. Hooray for me! And once again, my extreme procrastination has yielded positive results. (In fairness, I did warn readers that I would be away. But you all have lots of issues, so it couldn't be avoided.)
Meeting people is tough. Meeting boys is even harder, unless your standard for male companionship is quite low. If that's the case, dollface, head to your local bar! Any bar will do! Please be prepared to discuss the finer points of Transformers and your position on beer pong vs. beirut. If you're looking for something more, then I'm out. I have no idea where the nice ones are hiding. I can't imagine they've formed some sort of underground society, but it's entirely possible...since they are nowhere to be found. As for friends, go sit somewhere public and either play Solitaire or do a Sudoku puzzle. I've never been able to do either without someone over my shoulder wanting to help. (Which, by the way, family and friends, is SUPER AWESOME OF YOU. Really. I mean that.) (Oh, wait. No, I do not. Alone time is alone time, dammit.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
My case might be a bit particular but my question is pretty universal. After recently ending (not in a good way) a long-term and often long-distance relationship and spending a year abroad during which my parents moved across the country, I will spend my summer living at home and working in Denver. In short, the forecast for my summer is heavy loneliness with a chance of culture shock. I would really like to make some friends, preferably of the male persuasion, but I am completely lost as to how to go about doing that after not being single for the past 4 years, not being in the US for the past 10 months, and never being to Denver ever! Do you have any tips on how to meet people? How to avoid too much parent-time? Any good summer airline deals so I can visit my friends around the country?
Merci,
The Lone Ranger
Dear Cloudy,
I freaking wish I knew about good airline deals! The few people who can tolerate my attitude for long periods of time are scattered around the country/world.
Summer is quickly coming to an end, so I have managed to dodge the too much parent-time question. Hooray for me! And once again, my extreme procrastination has yielded positive results. (In fairness, I did warn readers that I would be away. But you all have lots of issues, so it couldn't be avoided.)
Meeting people is tough. Meeting boys is even harder, unless your standard for male companionship is quite low. If that's the case, dollface, head to your local bar! Any bar will do! Please be prepared to discuss the finer points of Transformers and your position on beer pong vs. beirut. If you're looking for something more, then I'm out. I have no idea where the nice ones are hiding. I can't imagine they've formed some sort of underground society, but it's entirely possible...since they are nowhere to be found. As for friends, go sit somewhere public and either play Solitaire or do a Sudoku puzzle. I've never been able to do either without someone over my shoulder wanting to help. (Which, by the way, family and friends, is SUPER AWESOME OF YOU. Really. I mean that.) (Oh, wait. No, I do not. Alone time is alone time, dammit.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Dear Contestant...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of two and a half years. And to be honest, I still haven't figured out why. He called me up one night, we chatted for 10 minutes, and he asked if he could come over. Since he goes to school an hour away, this was an unexpected visit, and I was happy. And he brought me a gift, and I was very happy. And then he dumped me, and I was fucking pissed. He thought that "things might go downhill later" and didn't want it to get ugly. He refused to fully explain himself. So the question is...what kind of a douchebag brings a present when they break up with someone??
Dumped in the D
Dear Contestant,
Thanks for playing our game! Nothing shouts true love like "parting gift." You sure had yourself a winner, pumpkin. Normally, I'd suggest that he was cheating and that you should go all Carrie Underwood on his ass. But here's my theory--he's not very bright. Doesn't strike me as very charming--so I'm not sure he sounds like the kind of guy who could juggle two women at once--that requires a certain amount of skill. And the man who brings a present doesn't really have any.
Since this is by far one of the most absurd break-up stories I've heard, I have compiled a list of the worst. Please note that these are not set in stone, and I am willing to amend the list at any given time. I now present...
Again, these are negotiable. But you'll have to prove that you deserve to be on the list!
Anyway, pumpkin, I'd say you're better off without such a loser tagging along.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
**It should be noted for readers that the nature of the consolation prize was not mentioned.
I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of two and a half years. And to be honest, I still haven't figured out why. He called me up one night, we chatted for 10 minutes, and he asked if he could come over. Since he goes to school an hour away, this was an unexpected visit, and I was happy. And he brought me a gift, and I was very happy. And then he dumped me, and I was fucking pissed. He thought that "things might go downhill later" and didn't want it to get ugly. He refused to fully explain himself. So the question is...what kind of a douchebag brings a present when they break up with someone??
Dumped in the D
Dear Contestant,
Thanks for playing our game! Nothing shouts true love like "parting gift." You sure had yourself a winner, pumpkin. Normally, I'd suggest that he was cheating and that you should go all Carrie Underwood on his ass. But here's my theory--he's not very bright. Doesn't strike me as very charming--so I'm not sure he sounds like the kind of guy who could juggle two women at once--that requires a certain amount of skill. And the man who brings a present doesn't really have any.
Since this is by far one of the most absurd break-up stories I've heard, I have compiled a list of the worst. Please note that these are not set in stone, and I am willing to amend the list at any given time. I now present...
Bitter Amanda's Top 5 Lamest Break-Ups
1. Flavor of Love, Season Two. He brought New York back a second time, only to dump her AGAIN. On national television. That's cold, Flav.
2. Rory, Gilmore Girls. Please follow this link-----> HERE to find out what I mean. My BFF will kill me if I ruin anything for her. A girl has to have priorities.
3. Legally Blonde. He lets her get all excited for the big night, new dress and all. Takes her somewhere nice. When she's expecting him to pop the question, he drops the DUMPED bomb on her, and then has the nerve to tell her it's because she's not very smart. Classy.
4. Carrie and Berger, Sex and the City. The infamous Post-It note. Not even a real letter. Just a sticky yellow piece of paper.
5. This reader and her ridiculously stupid ex-boyfriend, the bringer of presents you'll never want to look at again. "What a lovely necklace**! Where did you get it?" "Oh, you know, Buttface brought it for me when he decided he didn't love me anymore. Sparkly!"
Again, these are negotiable. But you'll have to prove that you deserve to be on the list!
Anyway, pumpkin, I'd say you're better off without such a loser tagging along.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
**It should be noted for readers that the nature of the consolation prize was not mentioned.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Dear Chesty...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
This is not a common problem, and most women would not be complaining, but my breasts recently got noticeably bigger! I was put on the Pill, not because of sexual activity (unfortunately), and ever since, my boobs just inflated!! However, I'm not really sure what to do with them? It's actually quite awkward. Help?!
Fondly,
Busty
Dear Chesty,
When I first read your letter, I was going to tell you to stop bragging. But it felt wrong. Because what you're going through is a pain in the ass. I dealt with that a couple years ago, when my friends told me that there was "no way possible" I was the size I claimed. (Thanks for that.) Replacing bras is expensive! That's the most obnoxious problem. You can't exactly trade them all in--though how amazing would that program be? I haven't quite hammered all the details out just yet--but one day, kids. One day.
Until I come up with that Bra Exchange Extravaganza, all I can tell you is use what you've got. Show the girls off (tastefully, Britney...) and try and score some free drinks or something! I hear breasts can be powerful in that way. Men are pigs. Take advantage of that!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
This is not a common problem, and most women would not be complaining, but my breasts recently got noticeably bigger! I was put on the Pill, not because of sexual activity (unfortunately), and ever since, my boobs just inflated!! However, I'm not really sure what to do with them? It's actually quite awkward. Help?!
Fondly,
Busty
Dear Chesty,
When I first read your letter, I was going to tell you to stop bragging. But it felt wrong. Because what you're going through is a pain in the ass. I dealt with that a couple years ago, when my friends told me that there was "no way possible" I was the size I claimed. (Thanks for that.) Replacing bras is expensive! That's the most obnoxious problem. You can't exactly trade them all in--though how amazing would that program be? I haven't quite hammered all the details out just yet--but one day, kids. One day.
Until I come up with that Bra Exchange Extravaganza, all I can tell you is use what you've got. Show the girls off (tastefully, Britney...) and try and score some free drinks or something! I hear breasts can be powerful in that way. Men are pigs. Take advantage of that!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Dear Wolfgang...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
Ok, serious question, Miss Bitters:
Why is it that when a girl re-acquires a single status, everyone and her mother thinks she wants to be set up on a blind date?
Personally, I'm enjoying the me-by-myself time (finally!) and I don't really want to spoil it by getting un-single again. And yes, all the people who offer up their single friends to me happen to be coupled for life already. And yes, the goal of their evil blind date plot is to make me coupled for life as well.
What gives?
-Lone Wolf, Going It Alone (And Liking It!)
Dear Wolfgang,
Well done you, for recognizing the coupling plot! That's really the issue here; that couples don't like to see friends who are single and having more fun. It's a jealousy issue. I mean, you have got it really good right now. You can talk to anyone you want without someone getting jealous and territorial. You never have to worry that your date is going to wear something hideous and you'll have to dress him (ok, or her, but let's be honest) like he's a toddler! Major holidays? You don't have to divvy those up between two families. Your life is pretty great.
They're probably thinking more about themselves here. If they find you a mate, maybe you'll stop having cocktail parties to which no one is allowed to bring a date. Maybe they can bring the boyfriend/girlfriend to social outings without you being rude! Perhaps they can finally invite you to their secret couple dinner parties without you making gagging noises all evening because you're the odd numbered guest.
...I'm not saying I've had any personal experience with that. I'm just saying that might be what they're thinking. That's all. Ignore them, though. You just keep enjoying your single life, princess.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Ok, serious question, Miss Bitters:
Why is it that when a girl re-acquires a single status, everyone and her mother thinks she wants to be set up on a blind date?
Personally, I'm enjoying the me-by-myself time (finally!) and I don't really want to spoil it by getting un-single again. And yes, all the people who offer up their single friends to me happen to be coupled for life already. And yes, the goal of their evil blind date plot is to make me coupled for life as well.
What gives?
-Lone Wolf, Going It Alone (And Liking It!)
Dear Wolfgang,
Well done you, for recognizing the coupling plot! That's really the issue here; that couples don't like to see friends who are single and having more fun. It's a jealousy issue. I mean, you have got it really good right now. You can talk to anyone you want without someone getting jealous and territorial. You never have to worry that your date is going to wear something hideous and you'll have to dress him (ok, or her, but let's be honest) like he's a toddler! Major holidays? You don't have to divvy those up between two families. Your life is pretty great.
They're probably thinking more about themselves here. If they find you a mate, maybe you'll stop having cocktail parties to which no one is allowed to bring a date. Maybe they can bring the boyfriend/girlfriend to social outings without you being rude! Perhaps they can finally invite you to their secret couple dinner parties without you making gagging noises all evening because you're the odd numbered guest.
...I'm not saying I've had any personal experience with that. I'm just saying that might be what they're thinking. That's all. Ignore them, though. You just keep enjoying your single life, princess.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Dear Highlights...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
Recently my choice of reading materials have been reduced to trashy romance novels and my favorite activity is highlighting pages with sex in them. Is this wrong? Should I be ashamed or can I continue to enjoy phrases such as “turgid nipple” and “letting the quick release pour through her like liquid fire” without fear of moral damnation? Is it wrong to live my life through gorgeous computer hackers and slick F.B.I. agents and stunning lounge singers and private investigators? Please help me!
Faithfully yours,
Hopelessly literate
Dear Highlights,
Moral damnation? Do I strike you as the kind of lady who worries about moral damnation? No. I guess I should make one thing clear for everyone: Bitter Amanda is not anti-sex. If you like to get your fill of all things sexual through books, then go to it. I'm also pro-reading, so I guess this is something I should endorse. At least the men in those books aren't complete let-downs, unlike the men in real life. Who are generally known to be assface losers.
As a sidenote, though, I should point out that boasting about your books might be a bad idea. Just because...you know...it's kind of pathetic.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Recently my choice of reading materials have been reduced to trashy romance novels and my favorite activity is highlighting pages with sex in them. Is this wrong? Should I be ashamed or can I continue to enjoy phrases such as “turgid nipple” and “letting the quick release pour through her like liquid fire” without fear of moral damnation? Is it wrong to live my life through gorgeous computer hackers and slick F.B.I. agents and stunning lounge singers and private investigators? Please help me!
Faithfully yours,
Hopelessly literate
Dear Highlights,
Moral damnation? Do I strike you as the kind of lady who worries about moral damnation? No. I guess I should make one thing clear for everyone: Bitter Amanda is not anti-sex. If you like to get your fill of all things sexual through books, then go to it. I'm also pro-reading, so I guess this is something I should endorse. At least the men in those books aren't complete let-downs, unlike the men in real life. Who are generally known to be assface losers.
As a sidenote, though, I should point out that boasting about your books might be a bad idea. Just because...you know...it's kind of pathetic.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Dear Paranoid...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
I have a brand new coworker who sits in the cubicle across from mine. Lets call him "ThePimp". Mid twenties, tall, outgoing, the ladies find him attractive. Very, very attractive. Maybe its the fact we're an engineering firm, and most of the men around are nerdy, anti-social, old and balding. But every five minutes another administrative assistant is coming by to say hi, see if there's anything he needs, offer to show him around, flirt to the point I want to gag, etc. Its almost like one of those Axe commercials, where the guy puts on deodorant and suddenly women are all over him. The only reason my engineer coworkers aren't drooling over him is because they're mostly men. Or lesbians. The point is, if I hear another girl giggle flirtatiously I will kill someone. How do I get the ladies to stop dropping by "ThePimp's" office? Is there a spray that will turn the ladies away? For an Anti-Axe effect? Or do I need to set his cubicle on fire so he can find somewhere else to sit? What is a bitter engineer supposed to do?!
~Anti Social at Work
Dear Paranoid,
Overreacting, much? These young women are just trying to be helpful, I'm sure. I'm sure it has nothing to do with him being attractive and social, standing out in a building full of engineers. (Sorry, engineers, but I know lots of you. I speak from experience.) They did the same for you when you were new, didn't they?
No?
Oh. Whores. Here are your two options. It really depends on which side you're on; that of the pathetic women just trying to get a date, or that of your fellow engineer who can't help it if he's so beautiful that women just fall all over him. (Gag.) If it's the first, you could spread rumors about him. See my previous column here for some ideas. Then the ladies in the office won't be in such a rush to chat with him. OR, if you're on the other side of the fence, with him, then you're going to have to invoke some mean girl tactics. Start hanging out with him. Find out how he feels about the attention. If he's like, "I am so awesome and the ladies just love me and it's so cool grunting noise grahhh," then stop hanging out immediately and go back to the first option. However, if he's feeling trapped by perfume and giggles, you can bond. This will be the equivalent of you peeing in his cubicle--even in a non-romantic way, mark him as your territory.
I'm not sure why I keep referencing animal behavior. But thanks for noticing.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I have a brand new coworker who sits in the cubicle across from mine. Lets call him "ThePimp". Mid twenties, tall, outgoing, the ladies find him attractive. Very, very attractive. Maybe its the fact we're an engineering firm, and most of the men around are nerdy, anti-social, old and balding. But every five minutes another administrative assistant is coming by to say hi, see if there's anything he needs, offer to show him around, flirt to the point I want to gag, etc. Its almost like one of those Axe commercials, where the guy puts on deodorant and suddenly women are all over him. The only reason my engineer coworkers aren't drooling over him is because they're mostly men. Or lesbians. The point is, if I hear another girl giggle flirtatiously I will kill someone. How do I get the ladies to stop dropping by "ThePimp's" office? Is there a spray that will turn the ladies away? For an Anti-Axe effect? Or do I need to set his cubicle on fire so he can find somewhere else to sit? What is a bitter engineer supposed to do?!
~Anti Social at Work
Dear Paranoid,
Overreacting, much? These young women are just trying to be helpful, I'm sure. I'm sure it has nothing to do with him being attractive and social, standing out in a building full of engineers. (Sorry, engineers, but I know lots of you. I speak from experience.) They did the same for you when you were new, didn't they?
No?
Oh. Whores. Here are your two options. It really depends on which side you're on; that of the pathetic women just trying to get a date, or that of your fellow engineer who can't help it if he's so beautiful that women just fall all over him. (Gag.) If it's the first, you could spread rumors about him. See my previous column here for some ideas. Then the ladies in the office won't be in such a rush to chat with him. OR, if you're on the other side of the fence, with him, then you're going to have to invoke some mean girl tactics. Start hanging out with him. Find out how he feels about the attention. If he's like, "I am so awesome and the ladies just love me and it's so cool grunting noise grahhh," then stop hanging out immediately and go back to the first option. However, if he's feeling trapped by perfume and giggles, you can bond. This will be the equivalent of you peeing in his cubicle--even in a non-romantic way, mark him as your territory.
I'm not sure why I keep referencing animal behavior. But thanks for noticing.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Dear Hopeless Readers...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
What happened to the sweet, man loving sex machine that we all loved and adored in Ireland. Has life out of college really driven you to such an extreme? What can I do to avoid the same fate, to say nay to chocolate as a chemical substitute for the female?I hope the real Amanda (if she is still in there) only booked one ticket to Ireland and left the bitter variety at home.
Mark
Dear Hopeless Readers,
While you can't believe every accusation printed about celebrities, a small portion of the above letter is true. I am going to Ireland, and will be gone for the next 10 days. It's time for a vacation. Mark, I'm always the Real Amanda...while I only booked one ticket, you never know when Bitter Amanda will rear her bitter head. It's an adventure!
So, kids, you'll have to manage without me for a bit. I'll answer the rest of your sad letters when I get home.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
What happened to the sweet, man loving sex machine that we all loved and adored in Ireland. Has life out of college really driven you to such an extreme? What can I do to avoid the same fate, to say nay to chocolate as a chemical substitute for the female?I hope the real Amanda (if she is still in there) only booked one ticket to Ireland and left the bitter variety at home.
Mark
Dear Hopeless Readers,
While you can't believe every accusation printed about celebrities, a small portion of the above letter is true. I am going to Ireland, and will be gone for the next 10 days. It's time for a vacation. Mark, I'm always the Real Amanda...while I only booked one ticket, you never know when Bitter Amanda will rear her bitter head. It's an adventure!
So, kids, you'll have to manage without me for a bit. I'll answer the rest of your sad letters when I get home.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Dear Gassy...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
I am currently studying abroad in Paris and I have noticed that the French rules on PDA are quite different from America. In the states, holding hands is often where the line is drawn, whereas I have seen several French couples unabashedly making out all over the place! This includes the metro, street corners, restaurants, parks, need I continue? In exercising my bitterness, I've started making little fart sounds when I walk by, hoping to break the ambiance and make one if not both of them slightly confused and disgusted. Is this impolite? Do you have a better suggestion? How would you deal with your bitterness in these situations?
Yours truly,
tiny fart
Dear Gassy,
Impolite? Is making farting noises at happy couples impolite? YES! Of course it is! There are few things less sexy than farting. So naturally, I must applaud you! I approve! We should go eat ice cream together!
I cannot improve upon your methods; only teach you some of mine to expand your arsenal. Shouting out inappropriate/unsexy things such as 'syphilis' is always a classic. Gagging noises are a subtle and classy way to let the amorous couple know that their display is unappreciated. And if you're not looking for subtlety, throw things. Small things, mind you. (Lawsuits blah blah blah.)
You keep fighting the good fight, champ.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I am currently studying abroad in Paris and I have noticed that the French rules on PDA are quite different from America. In the states, holding hands is often where the line is drawn, whereas I have seen several French couples unabashedly making out all over the place! This includes the metro, street corners, restaurants, parks, need I continue? In exercising my bitterness, I've started making little fart sounds when I walk by, hoping to break the ambiance and make one if not both of them slightly confused and disgusted. Is this impolite? Do you have a better suggestion? How would you deal with your bitterness in these situations?
Yours truly,
tiny fart
Dear Gassy,
Impolite? Is making farting noises at happy couples impolite? YES! Of course it is! There are few things less sexy than farting. So naturally, I must applaud you! I approve! We should go eat ice cream together!
I cannot improve upon your methods; only teach you some of mine to expand your arsenal. Shouting out inappropriate/unsexy things such as 'syphilis' is always a classic. Gagging noises are a subtle and classy way to let the amorous couple know that their display is unappreciated. And if you're not looking for subtlety, throw things. Small things, mind you. (Lawsuits blah blah blah.)
You keep fighting the good fight, champ.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Dear Haylie Duff...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
My little sister - and by little I mean 23 yrs old- just moved back home after living for a year overseas. I'm so happy to have her around! But she's been home for maybe three days, and she already has a date! I've lived here for three YEARS without so much as a hey-you-wanna-grab-a-cup-of-coffee-?. What gives?
Signed, Big Sis
Dear Haylie Duff,
Little sisters often forget the pecking order when it comes to dating. Sure, it looks glamorous, but you wait for your older sister to get some before you go out looking for it! It's the natural way of things, dammit.
Practice slipping the following sentences into casual conversation. "*Little Sister* is quite graceful, considering she has a peg leg. Like Captain Hook, that one..." "Yeah, *Little Sister* has such a lovely face...you'd never guess it's not the one she was born with. " Or, the vague, "*Sigh.* It's too bad about *Little Sister*..." You can also customize a flyer like the one below, for additional help.
Then, go out in public with her frequently. You'll just look that much hotter. Because nobody thinks a rabid raccoon mauled YOUR face.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS- Boys are notoriously lame about asking girls out. And about everything else in life, other than like...making inappropriate remarks and getting the high score on their Wii. Don't take it personally.
My little sister - and by little I mean 23 yrs old- just moved back home after living for a year overseas. I'm so happy to have her around! But she's been home for maybe three days, and she already has a date! I've lived here for three YEARS without so much as a hey-you-wanna-grab-a-cup-of-coffee-?. What gives?
Signed, Big Sis
Dear Haylie Duff,
Little sisters often forget the pecking order when it comes to dating. Sure, it looks glamorous, but you wait for your older sister to get some before you go out looking for it! It's the natural way of things, dammit.
Practice slipping the following sentences into casual conversation. "*Little Sister* is quite graceful, considering she has a peg leg. Like Captain Hook, that one..." "Yeah, *Little Sister* has such a lovely face...you'd never guess it's not the one she was born with. " Or, the vague, "*Sigh.* It's too bad about *Little Sister*..." You can also customize a flyer like the one below, for additional help.
Then, go out in public with her frequently. You'll just look that much hotter. Because nobody thinks a rabid raccoon mauled YOUR face.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS- Boys are notoriously lame about asking girls out. And about everything else in life, other than like...making inappropriate remarks and getting the high score on their Wii. Don't take it personally.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Dear Flavorless...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
I have been left on national television three times. Yes, you read that correctly: three times. THRREEEEEEEEEE TIMMMMMMMMEEEEES. I'm becoming bitter. What should I do?
-Not everyone loves New York
Dear Flavorless,
Wow. So much to say, so little time...
First of all, princess, start by getting your ass off national television. If an animal runs into an electric fence once, you can bet they won't run at it again--three times. Dating reality shows are your own personal electric fence. Learn the lesson!
Second, surround yourself with a higher caliber of men. I know, this may seem like an impossible feat. But you have got some bad taste. Stop going after the same kind of man repeatedly--again, it's like that damned electric fence!
Learn the lessons.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I have been left on national television three times. Yes, you read that correctly: three times. THRREEEEEEEEEE TIMMMMMMMMEEEEES. I'm becoming bitter. What should I do?
-Not everyone loves New York
Dear Flavorless,
Wow. So much to say, so little time...
First of all, princess, start by getting your ass off national television. If an animal runs into an electric fence once, you can bet they won't run at it again--three times. Dating reality shows are your own personal electric fence. Learn the lesson!
Second, surround yourself with a higher caliber of men. I know, this may seem like an impossible feat. But you have got some bad taste. Stop going after the same kind of man repeatedly--again, it's like that damned electric fence!
Learn the lessons.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Dear Self One Year Ago...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
I'm a listless loser--jobless and pointless--living in a suburb known for its uncanny ability to suck people in like a black hole and keep them there until one day they wake up with bed sores on their asses and tears in their eyes. Anyway, I need to know the secret code for escape from such a place. How am I, someone without resources, to break free from this mindnumbingly boring place without afixing jumper cables to my ears and turning the engine over???
Braindead in Boringville
Dear Self One Year Ago,
I did not think Bitter Amanda of the Past could send letters to Bitter Amanda of the Present. Since this is just not possible (and if it is, it's just freaking weird...and I am in no mood to be inspiration for the next sci-fi thriller) I can only assume that you are perhaps a recent college grad? And that maybe things aren't turning out quite the way your commencement speaker made it sound? They are, I've figured out, notorious liars.
"The whole world is at your doorstep. You can do anything you want. You are on the brink of the best years of your life!" All that crap. What they should be saying is, "The whole world is at the doorstep of your parent's house, where you will live until you can afford to leave. You can do anything you want, as long as you want to do some part-time work that isn't necessarily related to your degree, because that booming economy you hear about sometimes? Is nowhere near where you live. You are on the brink of leaving the best years of your life, since nothing will ever be as much fun or as interesting as college."
Damn, I'd write a good speech. But the answer you're looking for? Not so much. Find something that amuses you, even if it's...oh, say...making fun of people. Then at least you'll have one bright spot in your day.
Good luck, champ.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I'm a listless loser--jobless and pointless--living in a suburb known for its uncanny ability to suck people in like a black hole and keep them there until one day they wake up with bed sores on their asses and tears in their eyes. Anyway, I need to know the secret code for escape from such a place. How am I, someone without resources, to break free from this mindnumbingly boring place without afixing jumper cables to my ears and turning the engine over???
Braindead in Boringville
Dear Self One Year Ago,
I did not think Bitter Amanda of the Past could send letters to Bitter Amanda of the Present. Since this is just not possible (and if it is, it's just freaking weird...and I am in no mood to be inspiration for the next sci-fi thriller) I can only assume that you are perhaps a recent college grad? And that maybe things aren't turning out quite the way your commencement speaker made it sound? They are, I've figured out, notorious liars.
"The whole world is at your doorstep. You can do anything you want. You are on the brink of the best years of your life!" All that crap. What they should be saying is, "The whole world is at the doorstep of your parent's house, where you will live until you can afford to leave. You can do anything you want, as long as you want to do some part-time work that isn't necessarily related to your degree, because that booming economy you hear about sometimes? Is nowhere near where you live. You are on the brink of leaving the best years of your life, since nothing will ever be as much fun or as interesting as college."
Damn, I'd write a good speech. But the answer you're looking for? Not so much. Find something that amuses you, even if it's...oh, say...making fun of people. Then at least you'll have one bright spot in your day.
Good luck, champ.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Dear Braggart...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
My girlfriend hogs the bed every night and every time I try to move her she's like dead weight. I've tried talking to her about this but it never seems to help. WHAT DO I DO?
-Tired and Squished.
Dear Braggart,
Oh, poooooor you. "I have someone to sleep with every single night but that's just not good enough for me!" Blah blah blah.
I'll tell you what you do, precious. You go to bed first and pretend like she's an attacking bear. Make yourself as large as possible to scare her away. I'm not an expert on animals, but I think the method for cougars is also applicable here...throw things at her. Or, if you don't want anyone to make a call to the police about a domestic dispute, you could treat her like a raccoon taking up residence in your home. Leave a window or door open and she should find her way out by morning.
I know your lady isn't a wild animal (ok, I hope your lady isn't a wild animal...) but I think these ought to do the trick. Good thing my dad used to teach me about outdoor safety in northern Michigan!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
My girlfriend hogs the bed every night and every time I try to move her she's like dead weight. I've tried talking to her about this but it never seems to help. WHAT DO I DO?
-Tired and Squished.
Dear Braggart,
Oh, poooooor you. "I have someone to sleep with every single night but that's just not good enough for me!" Blah blah blah.
I'll tell you what you do, precious. You go to bed first and pretend like she's an attacking bear. Make yourself as large as possible to scare her away. I'm not an expert on animals, but I think the method for cougars is also applicable here...throw things at her. Or, if you don't want anyone to make a call to the police about a domestic dispute, you could treat her like a raccoon taking up residence in your home. Leave a window or door open and she should find her way out by morning.
I know your lady isn't a wild animal (ok, I hope your lady isn't a wild animal...) but I think these ought to do the trick. Good thing my dad used to teach me about outdoor safety in northern Michigan!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Dear Marty Stouffer...
Dear Bitter Amanda,What happens to the poor love-sick swan when she discovers that her true love is just a heap of plywood and plastic?
The guy who designed the boat should be shot--poor innocent water fowl.
xoxo, Wildlife Enthusiast
Dear Marty Stouffer,
That is lame! What kind of loser does that? I'll tell you. A man. There is no other explanation. I'd like to agree with you on his fate, but I probably shouldn't encourage serious crimes here. Instead, I'll say that he should be presented with many beautiful women, only to discover that they're life-sized dolls. With Barbie-style lower halves. HA! Sucks to be that guy.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Sidenote.
I have some letters to post later, but for now, go check out the latest post on my other blog. It's important!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Dear Sleeping Beauty...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
So I've been busy and stressed out lately - working until 6, 7, and even 9:30. I haven't even had time to call or email my friends. (Admittedly, that's ridiculous, and I'm a bit of an ass for not even tipping my hat in their vague directions.) But back to me... last night, I went to sleep late again, and all I wanted was a few hours of blissful sleep and maybe a nice dream or two. Well, let me tell you, what I got was a doozie about all of the losers I've ever "dated". How do I kick my subconscious in the ass?
Yours truly,
The Nightmare Queen
Dear Sleeping Beauty,
If your friends are remotely awesome, and something tells me that they are, they will understand that work is a bitch. At least you’re not ignoring them in favor of some fling. Because, as we are all aware, that is a despicable, obnoxious habit. And I would tell you (in a beat of my withered, hardened heart) if you were doing that.
I’ve kept your letter at the top of my pile for a few days now, hoping some wisdom would come to me. No such luck. So, because I hate to keep you waiting for so long, I will use my college essay method and fake it.
Try to clear your head before you sleep, sunshine. Something mindless. I like puzzles or catching up on my celebrity gossip. (Shut up.) Drink some cocoa. (Because I feel somewhat incomplete when I give advice without mentioning chocolate.)
And if you happen to figure out a foolproof way to get losers out of your head, please let me know. We can write a book and split the profits.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
So I've been busy and stressed out lately - working until 6, 7, and even 9:30. I haven't even had time to call or email my friends. (Admittedly, that's ridiculous, and I'm a bit of an ass for not even tipping my hat in their vague directions.) But back to me... last night, I went to sleep late again, and all I wanted was a few hours of blissful sleep and maybe a nice dream or two. Well, let me tell you, what I got was a doozie about all of the losers I've ever "dated". How do I kick my subconscious in the ass?
Yours truly,
The Nightmare Queen
Dear Sleeping Beauty,
If your friends are remotely awesome, and something tells me that they are, they will understand that work is a bitch. At least you’re not ignoring them in favor of some fling. Because, as we are all aware, that is a despicable, obnoxious habit. And I would tell you (in a beat of my withered, hardened heart) if you were doing that.
I’ve kept your letter at the top of my pile for a few days now, hoping some wisdom would come to me. No such luck. So, because I hate to keep you waiting for so long, I will use my college essay method and fake it.
Try to clear your head before you sleep, sunshine. Something mindless. I like puzzles or catching up on my celebrity gossip. (Shut up.) Drink some cocoa. (Because I feel somewhat incomplete when I give advice without mentioning chocolate.)
And if you happen to figure out a foolproof way to get losers out of your head, please let me know. We can write a book and split the profits.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Monday, March 05, 2007
Dear Abby...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
Lately i have been the go to advice girl for all of my friends in relationships. They come to me and ask for help, for thing like gift ideas, and romance advice, all the while they are reminding me that i am single. They don't seem to understand that being single is not something i want to be reminded of every day. I haven't got the heart to tell them to bugger off. What do you think i should do?
~the timid teller
Dear Abby,
So with you on this. I think it's just another way for couples to gloat to single people. A thinly veiled excuse to flaunt their happiness. Because honestly, what would make a person automatically assume that a single lady has all the dating answers? It's just bad logic. Like I said, they're bragging.
If you're looking to quietly back away from your role as Advice Girl, might I suggest pointing people towards an expert? Or me? I'm just...you know...saying.
If subtle hints don't work out, you may have to practice the following. "Leave me alone! I don't give a damn! Ask someone who cares! I'M ALONE!" I've found that the last part can work wonders in many different situations, as well.
Good luck, kiddo.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Lately i have been the go to advice girl for all of my friends in relationships. They come to me and ask for help, for thing like gift ideas, and romance advice, all the while they are reminding me that i am single. They don't seem to understand that being single is not something i want to be reminded of every day. I haven't got the heart to tell them to bugger off. What do you think i should do?
~the timid teller
Dear Abby,
So with you on this. I think it's just another way for couples to gloat to single people. A thinly veiled excuse to flaunt their happiness. Because honestly, what would make a person automatically assume that a single lady has all the dating answers? It's just bad logic. Like I said, they're bragging.
If you're looking to quietly back away from your role as Advice Girl, might I suggest pointing people towards an expert? Or me? I'm just...you know...saying.
If subtle hints don't work out, you may have to practice the following. "Leave me alone! I don't give a damn! Ask someone who cares! I'M ALONE!" I've found that the last part can work wonders in many different situations, as well.
Good luck, kiddo.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Dear Blondie...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
Someone at work had flowers delivered today from her S.O. I retreated to my cubicle where I gagged in horror. Not to mention, I made blondies and brought them to work today... sugar-replacement therapy, you know. I totally should have labeled them: for singles only. I had better go snag me one before all of the coupled people eat them all. Greedy bastards.
Yours,
Kicking myself
Dear Blondie,
I hope you received my emergency "Go eat them all ASAP!" message. It truly is greedy of coupled coworkers to think V-Day treats are them them. Go back to your cubicle and eat the chocolates from your Valentine! Soak up the obnoxious fumes from your "I'm too special to get my flowers at home" flowers!
I hope you survived the office Valentine's Day!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Someone at work had flowers delivered today from her S.O. I retreated to my cubicle where I gagged in horror. Not to mention, I made blondies and brought them to work today... sugar-replacement therapy, you know. I totally should have labeled them: for singles only. I had better go snag me one before all of the coupled people eat them all. Greedy bastards.
Yours,
Kicking myself
Dear Blondie,
I hope you received my emergency "Go eat them all ASAP!" message. It truly is greedy of coupled coworkers to think V-Day treats are them them. Go back to your cubicle and eat the chocolates from your Valentine! Soak up the obnoxious fumes from your "I'm too special to get my flowers at home" flowers!
I hope you survived the office Valentine's Day!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Advice Break...
Try to enjoy your Wednesday in peace, kids!!
So, once again it's Valentine's Day. Please enjoy my hand-crafted Valentine, just for you, my favorite readers. And then, go do whatever you have to to get through this anti-single, despicable excuse for a holiday. As for me, I'll be spending my day doing any number of the following: shouting obscenities at VDay themed television shows, movies, or commercials, eating my bodyweight in pity candy from my father and these delicious treats that my siblings force our mother to make whenever we possibly can, and watching non-romantic DVDs, such as School of Rock and Jackass: The Movie.
See you all on Thursday!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Dear Cupid...
Dear Bitter Amanda,
I am cleaning out my house and came across this most disturbing image of The Day, written to my high-school sweetie and future ex-wife sometime in 11th or 12th grade. Other than that One Thing, what in the world could I have been thinking? I mean really! I'll be spending the rest of the evening cleaning up my vomit and asking myself "Why?" Anyway, I feel like I needed to share this with someone, finally, and somehow be purged ... in addition to the biffage and hurlage.
Dear Cupid,
You'll notice I blocked out the names. It's not because I care whether or not you remain anonymous, really. It's because I was so horrified that someone actually wrote that note that I don't want to be associated with you. You did the right thing by sending it to me, though. Valentine's Day is a detestable occasion, and you've given me a great excuse to write that very sentiment. Thanks. Now, I am so glad you see the error of your former ways. I would issue some sort of encouraging remark, like "rock on" or whatever the kids are saying these days, but quite frankly it wouldn't make me feel good about myself. So you'll have to encourage yourself, champ.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
I am cleaning out my house and came across this most disturbing image of The Day, written to my high-school sweetie and future ex-wife sometime in 11th or 12th grade. Other than that One Thing, what in the world could I have been thinking? I mean really! I'll be spending the rest of the evening cleaning up my vomit and asking myself "Why?" Anyway, I feel like I needed to share this with someone, finally, and somehow be purged ... in addition to the biffage and hurlage.
Dear Cupid,
You'll notice I blocked out the names. It's not because I care whether or not you remain anonymous, really. It's because I was so horrified that someone actually wrote that note that I don't want to be associated with you. You did the right thing by sending it to me, though. Valentine's Day is a detestable occasion, and you've given me a great excuse to write that very sentiment. Thanks. Now, I am so glad you see the error of your former ways. I would issue some sort of encouraging remark, like "rock on" or whatever the kids are saying these days, but quite frankly it wouldn't make me feel good about myself. So you'll have to encourage yourself, champ.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
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